ADULT ATTACHMENT STYLES
Below are three paragraphs describing the three main types of adult attachment. The three types are: secure, anxious and avoidant. When reading each paragraph think about how your current or past partners would describe you in the relationship. How would your mother and father describe you when you were a child? How would you friends rate your level of availability to them and your willingness to engage in personally meaningful conversations?
ANXIOUS
You are known for being very close with your romantic partners physically and emotionally. However, many times your partners find your behavior “clingy” or “needy”. One of your fears is that your partner does not want to be as close to you as you want to be to them. Due to this uncertainty about your relationships you spend a lot of time and emotional energy thinking about ways to head off potential problems. You are so tuned into your relationships you sometimes tend to be highly sensitive to your partner’s moods and behaviors. If they do not text you back within a relatively short period of time you begin to wonder what is wrong or what you may have done to upset them. This ruminating behavior can cause you to bombard the other person with texts demanding, “Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with?” These types of behaviors tend to push people away (especially avoidantly attached partners) when what you intend is to draw them closer. When someone shows you ongoing attention and respects your need for closeness you begin to relax and not worry so much about the state of the relationship.
AVOIDANT
Your independence is your main priority whether it is a friendship, romantic relationship or professional affiliation. You desire to be close to others but being too close too often makes you uncomfortable. When you feel too much pressure for intimacy (physical or emotional) you often react by pushing other’s away and keeping others at arm’s length. In romantic relationships you don’t spend much time worrying about the relationship or being rejected. However, you are not a robot and desire deep connection with those you care about. The difficulty comes when you do not express your feelings in the moment when you feel the need to withdraw from others for your own benefit. This secret desire creates confusion with those closest to you as they feel they have done something to cause you to want to pull away. As a result, your partner’s often complain about you being emotionally distant.
SECURE
Deeply connected relationships come easily to securely attached individuals. They give of themselves freely without living in constant fear of being taken advantage of by those they care about or being abandoned. When they are tired, hungry, angry or overwhelmed they have no problem sharing their feelings and asking for what they need. Securely attached individuals enjoy sharing the good times as well as the bad with their loved ones. They value being there for their partners in times of need and expect their partners to be there for them.
ANXIOUS
You are known for being very close with your romantic partners physically and emotionally. However, many times your partners find your behavior “clingy” or “needy”. One of your fears is that your partner does not want to be as close to you as you want to be to them. Due to this uncertainty about your relationships you spend a lot of time and emotional energy thinking about ways to head off potential problems. You are so tuned into your relationships you sometimes tend to be highly sensitive to your partner’s moods and behaviors. If they do not text you back within a relatively short period of time you begin to wonder what is wrong or what you may have done to upset them. This ruminating behavior can cause you to bombard the other person with texts demanding, “Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with?” These types of behaviors tend to push people away (especially avoidantly attached partners) when what you intend is to draw them closer. When someone shows you ongoing attention and respects your need for closeness you begin to relax and not worry so much about the state of the relationship.
AVOIDANT
Your independence is your main priority whether it is a friendship, romantic relationship or professional affiliation. You desire to be close to others but being too close too often makes you uncomfortable. When you feel too much pressure for intimacy (physical or emotional) you often react by pushing other’s away and keeping others at arm’s length. In romantic relationships you don’t spend much time worrying about the relationship or being rejected. However, you are not a robot and desire deep connection with those you care about. The difficulty comes when you do not express your feelings in the moment when you feel the need to withdraw from others for your own benefit. This secret desire creates confusion with those closest to you as they feel they have done something to cause you to want to pull away. As a result, your partner’s often complain about you being emotionally distant.
SECURE
Deeply connected relationships come easily to securely attached individuals. They give of themselves freely without living in constant fear of being taken advantage of by those they care about or being abandoned. When they are tired, hungry, angry or overwhelmed they have no problem sharing their feelings and asking for what they need. Securely attached individuals enjoy sharing the good times as well as the bad with their loved ones. They value being there for their partners in times of need and expect their partners to be there for them.