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Stay in any line of work long enough and you start to see patterns. Since my work focuses on human behavior I see patterns in how people think and act. I've seen thousands of people for tens of thousands of hours and one realization is that most men have the emotional maturity of a sixteen year old boy. Why?
When I mention this in a couple's session there is an instant recognition by the wife as if she has just found a clue that solved a years long mystery. When men hear this information for the first time they often look down in deep thought then respond with a, “Yep, that’s about right.” How does this happen? First, most men were not raised by a man who was emotionally mature himself leaving them without a role model of how a mature man acts. Second, because most men hover around this same general maturity level it is not encouraged for men to elevate upward. If they do they become an outlier in the group and a potential threat. Third, men don’t have to be more mature to find a romantic partner. What is the solution? I could walk through The Transformational Process several and that would be helpful but the reality is it all comes down to two things. A man must first see that this is a problem and want to change it. Without these two essential elements change won’t happen. If you are in a relationship with someone you feel often reverts to a sixteen year old in times of stress or you are that person. There is hope. This blog is a wakeup call offering you the opportunities to pause and reflect to see if your internal software needs some updating. If you don’t take opportunities like this other more painful opportunities to grow will surely come along. You can either change by choice or by pain.
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 If you want to change your life, you must change your patterns. Why? Your patterns are either the cause of your problems or the source of your peace. In a very real sense, you are what you do and your patterns are the things you do every day.
Patterns are beliefs and behaviors crafted into shortcuts that help you live a more expedient life. Once you establish a new pattern your unconscious takes over and sets it on autopilot. You don't typically think much about a pattern until it breaks down and stops working properly. What brings most people face-to-face with their unhealthy patterns are tremendous pain and suffering. The pain is so ferocious it stops you in your tracks. You literally can't go on with life. It is the pain that offers you the opportunity to ask deep questions about yourself. In these sacred moments you are being given an opportunity to learn the lesson and grow from it. This pausing is a movement in the right direction but what happens when the pain fades? Once the initial trauma passes you will face a test. Do you dig down deep for the courage and discipline to continue on the path of personal healing and transformation or do you allow ourselves to fall back into your comfortable patterns. If you return to what you know it will inevitably lead you back into the loop of suffering. What's worse, you will recreate the same problem over and over. You need integrity and grit to do the work of personal transformation. Failing to do so inevitably causes your life to crash yet again. The warning signs are all around you right now. Take this opportunity to change by choice rather than pain. Remember, if you want to change your life, start with your patterns.  Recently a colleague shared with me her revamped fee structure for her private counseling practice. Instead of the typical one-size-fits-all model she uses a tiered structure based on income. The more you make, the more you pay.
As a small business owner with only one employee, me, there is a lot on my plate from taxes to treatment. I do everything. Anything I can automate I do to decrease things from slipping through the cracks. My fees were one of those items on autopilot. Since starting my private practice years ago my fees haven’t changed. I charge the typical, private practice rate for my area. But anyone who is paying attention realizes America is in the midst of a mental health crisis. It seems like every week there is a news story about people not being able to find a mental health counselor or not being able to afford one. As therapists we can’t solve every problem but we can definitely help this one by making services more affordable to more people. Find out more at www.rebbuxton.com/get-started.  Blaise Pascal wrote, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
I would agree. I encourage all of my clients to create a space in their day, preferably in the morning, to sit quietly, journal, pray, meditate, do yoga or simply listen. I have heard every excuse possible about why this superhuman task is impossible for mere mortals:
I call it Sacred Space and it is supposed to be challenging. Any time set aside time to do personal transformation work is both sacred and worthwhile. What you do during that time isn’t as important as simply making the time to be still, be quiet and listen. The reason I am not so concerned about what you fill the time with is because there are shortcut, magic solutions to life’s challenges. Anything you do will be valuable. Sacred Space time helps you sharpen your logical mind but it also strengthens your intuition which is a different form of knowing and understanding life. When you exercise these qualities you naturally making better decisions. Better decisions lead to trusting yourself which is a requirement for feeling safe with yourself. By trusting yourself and feeling safe with yourself you are loving yourself. Here are three easy steps to get you started. In the beginning don’t make it too fussy or complicated. STEP ONE: Set the alarm 30 minutes earlier than normal STEP TWO: Make some coffee or tea, find a pen, get a journal or yellow legal notepad STEP THREE: Start writing about anything you want. If you are the sarcastic type you could even write, “I don’t know what to write” for three pages. You’ll still get good results. That’s it. Once you have made this a daily routine add whatever you want. You might accidentally end up changing the world for the better by sitting quietly in a room alone. Recently I found myself sitting with two friends in first class on a Southwest flight (yes, those lovely seats with lots of leg room but nowhere to put your bags). We were headed to a men’s retreat in California. The flight was several hours long so there was plenty of time to settle into some good conversation.
We talked about family, kids, business, life, whatever. Somewhere around hour two the conversation deepened. At one point one of the guys asked the question, “What are you avoiding?” Like a sudden strong gust of wind the question caught me off guard. I stopped and repeated it to myself then to my friends. In a matter of moments I flashed back over several of the most difficult and painful experiences of my life and recognized that they all had something in common. That commonality was me avoiding doing the work I knew needed to be done. If I could encourage you to do one thing to improve your life, your marriage, your relationship with your kids, your work, your finances, your health it would be to ask yourself the question, “What am I avoiding right now?” Then do something. Don't just think about it. You'll thank me in ten years. The psychology world loves testing. We will test, or at least try to test, everything. One Google search found a Psychology Today page with links to 105 different tests. The point of all these tests are for you to get to know yourself better in the hopes that this knowledge will help you find a romantic partner, point you in the direction of a career or help you understand why you do what you do.
There is one test you can self-administer right now. It is one question and takes about 15 seconds. The one question is this: How do you talk to yourself? This one question reveals how healthy or unhealthy you are mentally and also what you need to be working on in your life right now. This question is one of the first things I ask a new client. I want to know are they harsh and critical? Overly anxious? Do they talk in a kind, loving way toward themselves? Are they fatalistic or hopeful? We talk to ourselves all the time but often pay little attention because it seems so normal. If you would like to know your level of mental health take some time right now and pay attention to your inner dialogue. Turn off your phone, the radio, the TV, shut to door to your room or office and just listen to yourself. You might be surprised and even delighted at what you find. You also might realize how, at times, you can be your own worst enemy. If you find that you are pessimistic or harsh begin to interrupt those thoughts with more honest, accurate and encouraging thoughts. I’m not going to pretend this is easy. We love our old patterns and bad habits but any movement towards health is progress even small steps. It all adds up to better mental health and more inner peace. Give it a try.  "People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway." - Mother Teresa
 If you are not going to therapy to work on yourself and change your behavior then you are wasting your time and money. Why? Because the only thing you really have control over is yourself, your thoughts and your behavior.
Many people come to therapy to work through the issues caused by the people in their life who won't go to therapy. They end up leaving therapy early feeling disappointed and convinced therapy doesn’t work. Therapy is one of the very few places in life where you are encouraged to be selfish. Make it all about you! Talk at length about yourself, your thoughts, your problems, your hopes and dreams without any fear of the information coming back later in an argument. I tell clients one of the biggest benefits of therapy is that you won't see around your Thanksgiving table. Your secrets are safe. Therapy has a simple formula for success: The harder you work on yourself the better your life will become. If you set your intentions from the outset to do the work necessary to become a better person, you will most assuredly become a better person. This a natural universal law: whatever you focus on will prosper. The only reason anyone should go to therapy is to understand themselves better so they can think deeply about their life. This constructive and illuminating process inevitably leads to peace with yourself and more healthy relationships. If you can do that you will become the master of your life and the captain of your fate. Therapy can help you achieve that.  Imagine you are struggling in your marriage or suffering from debilitating depression and anxiety. You do a Google search for a therapist in your area and comb through page after page of websites looking for that perfect match. You find someone and make the call but then quickly hang up. You find the courage to try again. It rings and rings but no answer so you leave a voicemail. Now begins the waiting game. You wait and wait and wait but no return call ever comes.
I hear some version of this story on a regular basis. As therapists we forget how nerve-racking it can be to call a total stranger and share the most intimate and personal details of your life. Our job as therapists is to help people. This goes beyond just those that are giving us money. We are helpers working in a helping profession. We must do better. Even if your schedule is full you may know a therapist who is a good match for this client or a therapist who could use a few more clients on their roster. It is a win-win. In a time when mental health services are in high demand we should be over, not under, communicating. I wouldn't be honest if I didn't confess that, on occasion, I have forgotten to return a voicemail or email. But I am recommitting to answering all correspondence with prospective clients within 24 hours or less. Will you join me? |
AuthorReb Buxton, MA is a therapist and writer. He has his own private counseling practice in Nashville, Tennessee. Archives
October 2022
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