THE HARD WORK OF HAPPINESS
by
Reb Buxton
CONTENTS
Author’s Note
BEFORE WE BEGIN
PART ONE - FOUNDATIONS
PART TWO - THE 8 C'S
PART THREE - TOOLS
*Please note all illustrations related to this web content are sketches that will be professionally rendered.
BEFORE WE BEGIN
PART ONE - FOUNDATIONS
- Introduction
- Beginning
- The Arc of Self-Determination
- The Footstool & The Clock Tower
- Internal Family Systems
PART TWO - THE 8 C'S
- The 8 C’s
- Compassion vs. Apathy
- Compassion In Action
- Calm vs. Chaos
- Curiosity vs. Arrogance
- Courage vs. Cowardice
- Connected vs. Lonely
- Creativity vs. Rigidity
- Confidence vs. Insecurity
PART THREE - TOOLS
- Relationships (Part 1)
- Relationships (Part 2)
- Stacking (Part 1)
- Stacking (Part 2)
- Anxiety & The Non-Stop Brain
- Heart Rate Variability Biofeedback
- Facing Your Fears
- Young Man/Old Man
- Fourteen Principles
*Please note all illustrations related to this web content are sketches that will be professionally rendered.
AUTHOR'S NOTE
I am among the fortunate who can answer with confidence the age-old question of, “Why am I here?” It is my profound privilege and purpose to help others learn how to alleviate unnecessary suffering. By doing so what is left is sacred and sacred suffering has a purpose. If we must suffer, and we all must, then let us suffer well and together. By suffering well we write new endings to our painful stories. Through this intentional act of rewriting our history we redeem those lonely, dark nights of despair into stories of resilience. As we heal, the love we are given and the love we give become the ultimate, defining purpose of life filling our cups to overflowing with gratitude and joy. May your life be rid of all unnecessary suffering and may it be filled with an abundance of compassion, calmness, courage, creativity, clarity, connectedness, confidence, and curiosity. May you free yourself from unnecessary burdens and wrestle well with your sacred suffering.
BEFORE WE BEGIN
The central thesis of this book revolves around one principle worked out in two different ways. I call this essential concept stacking.
The first principle of stacking is piling one good decision on top of another. This is the key to success in every domain of life whether it is love, friendships, business, or family. What constitutes a “good decision” is open to personal interpretation. However, as United States Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart noted as his threshold for obscenity in Jacobellis v. Ohio in 1964, “I know it when I see it.”
The second type of stacking is identifying how you are “wired”, as they say, in relation to three specific models of self-discovery: Enneagram, Adult Attachment and Internal Family Systems. At the conclusion of this book you will possess the knowledge necessary to build your own S.T.A.R. (Subconscious Temperament & Automatic Reactions) insignia. This visual illustration represents the subconscious systems that inform how you perceive and process information. The S.T.A.R. diagram will serve as your guide and reminder of how to confront your impossible problems with confidence and clarity.
The first principle of stacking is piling one good decision on top of another. This is the key to success in every domain of life whether it is love, friendships, business, or family. What constitutes a “good decision” is open to personal interpretation. However, as United States Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart noted as his threshold for obscenity in Jacobellis v. Ohio in 1964, “I know it when I see it.”
The second type of stacking is identifying how you are “wired”, as they say, in relation to three specific models of self-discovery: Enneagram, Adult Attachment and Internal Family Systems. At the conclusion of this book you will possess the knowledge necessary to build your own S.T.A.R. (Subconscious Temperament & Automatic Reactions) insignia. This visual illustration represents the subconscious systems that inform how you perceive and process information. The S.T.A.R. diagram will serve as your guide and reminder of how to confront your impossible problems with confidence and clarity.
The primary focus in the coming chapters is on sixteen words. Eight of these words have been codified through the Internal Family Systems model as the 8 C’s or Self Energy. The other eight words are the antonyms to the 8 C’s. They offer an inverse reflection of Self Energy. These eight words and their antonyms serve as the backbone of the hard work of happiness.
Each of the 8 C’s serve as a lighthouse during the storms of life guiding you away from danger toward the safe, open waters of happiness, joy, meaningfulness and love. The antonyms are a warning that rocky shores lie ahead if you do not adjust your direction. When ensnared in these Self Destructive conditions you will find your way back to safer waters by returning to the 8 C’s. Both the 8 C’s and their opposites can be used to your benefit but in very different ways.
Finally, the purpose of this book is to help anyone, anywhere eliminate unnecessary suffering and live a happier life. This book explores three forms of happiness examined by Aristotle in his Nicomachean Ethics. His ideas have been updated for modern times by Martin Seligman through his work in Positive Psychology[i]. Aristotle via Seligman argues that there are three forms of happiness: The Pleasurable Life, The Good Life & The Meaningful Life. A well-built, remarkable life will balance all three forms of happiness simultaneously and pass easily and often between them.
[i] http://www.pursuit-of-happiness.org/history-of-happiness/martin-seligman-psychology/
Finally, the purpose of this book is to help anyone, anywhere eliminate unnecessary suffering and live a happier life. This book explores three forms of happiness examined by Aristotle in his Nicomachean Ethics. His ideas have been updated for modern times by Martin Seligman through his work in Positive Psychology[i]. Aristotle via Seligman argues that there are three forms of happiness: The Pleasurable Life, The Good Life & The Meaningful Life. A well-built, remarkable life will balance all three forms of happiness simultaneously and pass easily and often between them.
[i] http://www.pursuit-of-happiness.org/history-of-happiness/martin-seligman-psychology/
INTRODUCTION
On the corner of High Street and Wall Street in New Haven, Connecticut sits an austere art deco building built in 1963. In this building are housed some of the rarest manuscripts in the world. The Beinekce Rare Book & Manuscript Library is, as Robert A. M. Stern, Dean of the Yale School of Architecture describes it “one of the great treasurehouses of Yale”.
One of the library’s strange yet alluring features is the soaring central book tower with over 180,000 rare titles. This monolith inside a monolith stands as a tribute to the history of the written word. Beneath it in the underground book stacks are one million more unusual manuscripts nestled comfortably in temperature and humidity controlled rooms.
Sitting undisturbed most days in another climate controlled chamber filed under the uninteresting designation MS 408 is a 272-page manuscript that serves as one of the greatest literary mysteries in history. The Voynich Manuscript, named after the Polish book dealer Wilfrid Voynich who purchased the item in 1912, is a codex written in the early 1400’s most likely in a small village in northern Italy. The actual text is written in an elegant but unknown language. Professional and amateur cryptographers alike have poured over the text and each and every one have all met the same fate. Even the famed American and British code breakers, including National Security Agency (NSA) experts, have been unable to unlock its mystery.
Theories abound as to the origin and meaning of the text. Some believe it to be a hoax. Some say it may have been inspired by extraterrestrials. Others believe it may be incoherent religious ramblings manifested during free writing sessions or glossolalia experiences. Still others think it is a simple encryption system that was adapted and augmented by adding meaningless and duplicate symbols, false wordbreaks, and the transposition of letters. Whatever the case, the mystery still stands.
Historically speaking writing and decoding secret messages goes back many thousands of years to 1900 BCE from a period known as the Old Kingdom of Egypt. These “nonstandard” hieroglyphics carved into the walls and tombs were the first known attempts to disguise a message using secret codes and encryptions[i]. It is believed that these were meant more for mystery and intrigue then passing secrets but they were coded messages nonetheless. Today cryptography and cryptanalysis are big business with nations, armies, terrorist organizations and businesses attempting to protect (or steal) trade secrets.
Everyone loves the intrigue of mysteries and secrets. It may be a secret handshake between best friends in 4th grade or the cutesy phrases lovers whisper to one another in public knowing no one else will understand. It is our penchant for privacy that attracts us to secrecy.
In every field of inquiry man has created to understand this fascinating and bizarre world unsolved mysteries abound that puzzle the best and brightest among us. This includes the field of brain science.
Advances in neuroscience and technology have provided us with lifesaving innovations and a profound understanding of the structure of the brain that were unimaginable even a hundred years ago. One example of this extraordinary ability to map the brain is that we now know our brain has approximately 86 billion neurons. Each single neuron makes up to 40,000 connections resulting in trillions of connections. As a point of reference there are about 100 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy. The cosmic joke is that despite our profound insights and scientific advances each and every new baby born is another Voynich Manuscript cloaked in mystery.
It is as if each person’s brain is a secret text full of profound mysteries that we cannot fully fathom. Yet this lone organ determines how we think, how we act and each decision we make. Science and religion offer a fair amount of guidance and wisdom to help us navigate the world but ultimately everything we experience must first pass through our individual brain. In one sense we are held captive to the capacities and abilities of our brains. We cannot get outside of ourselves and no one can join us in the inner sanctum of our mind.
What you will discover in the following pages are specific and practical ways to understand how your brain, both your conscious and unconscious, are configured. Once you better understand these powerful, dynamic structures you will have a greater appreciation for how your brain receives, translates and interprets information.
Whenever we are given wisdom we are actually being given the power of choice. We have the right to do a lot with this new information or a nothing at all. For those who choose the courageous path of self-discovery all of life becomes a resplendent adventure to understanding the mystery of who we are, why we are here and why we do what we do. As you do this good, hard work life will reward you with joy, meaning, play, love and yes happiness.
✳
What are “impossible” problems? “Impossible” is in quotes because they aren’t without solutions. However, they feel that way because there rarely, if every, easy, straightforward answers to these complex, enduring problems. Here are a few examples of impossible problems:
Decoding the mystery of who you are is hard work. No one gives you an owner’s manual of how to be a successful adult and live a happy life. You have to figure out a lot on your own. If you want to jump to the head of the line you must explore what is going on beneath the surface of your conscious, day-to-day awareness.
This book makes two assumptions. First, is that you have two minds. One of those minds is conscious and the other is unconscious. The unconscious is more powerful yet its fatal flaw is that it lacks conscious awareness hence the need for the less powerful, more nimble conscious mind. The more you understand the interplay between your unconscious and conscious mind the greater your ability to positively, thoughtfully and intentionally create the life you want. Imagine two people rowing a boat. If they are not working together, or worse, working against each other they will not make much progress. Once they begin to work together they can zoom across the lake. As a note, a more realistic comparison in this boating metaphor would be that the conscious mind is the boat, paddles and people in the boat and the unconscious is the enormous lake upon which they are sitting.
It is incorrect to think that information flows only one way from your unconscious to your conscious mind. There is a deep interplay between the two. For example, most of us don’t think much about how our personality is constructed. We automatically respond to stimuli according to what we think will make us happy. But just because you don’t typically examine a particular feature of your personality doesn’t mean you can’t.
Directing focused attention at a particular aspect of your personality (i.e. the tendency to go to anger too quickly, perfectionism, people pleasing, etc.) can significantly improve this trait and as a result improve your lives. This is just one example of how the conscious mind can influence the unconscious. The same is true when you understand how you attach to others. If you are aware of your unconscious bond to others and their attachment to you early on in the dating dance, you can be mindful of who you choose and what you are willing to tolerate or not. This insight can be the difference between living a long, happy life with someone or enduring a marriage filled with disappointment and misery.
Your mind is so complex it must operate in multiplicity. This simply means there are many individual subpersonalities inside your mind right now. This explains why you can have many opposing opinions about the same topic and not be certifiably insane. Each part has its own ideas of how it wants to live life. Sometimes the relationship between parts becomes hostile to one another for many legitimate reasons. Anyone forced to participate in a dysfunctional group can appreciate how difficult it can be to get anything done when there isn’t a healthy synergy among the members. One way to create a healthy mind is to build a bridge of understanding among your parts that will allow them to share their perspectives and communicate effectively. This is one way to jump to the head of the line when it comes to being happy in love and life.
When you finish this book, if you have completed all the exercises, you will have several important pieces of information to help you decipher your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and motivations in a more sophisticated manner. This information will help you solve those impossible problems more effectively but more importantly it will help prevent many of them from occurring in the first place.
[i] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_cryptography
One of the library’s strange yet alluring features is the soaring central book tower with over 180,000 rare titles. This monolith inside a monolith stands as a tribute to the history of the written word. Beneath it in the underground book stacks are one million more unusual manuscripts nestled comfortably in temperature and humidity controlled rooms.
Sitting undisturbed most days in another climate controlled chamber filed under the uninteresting designation MS 408 is a 272-page manuscript that serves as one of the greatest literary mysteries in history. The Voynich Manuscript, named after the Polish book dealer Wilfrid Voynich who purchased the item in 1912, is a codex written in the early 1400’s most likely in a small village in northern Italy. The actual text is written in an elegant but unknown language. Professional and amateur cryptographers alike have poured over the text and each and every one have all met the same fate. Even the famed American and British code breakers, including National Security Agency (NSA) experts, have been unable to unlock its mystery.
Theories abound as to the origin and meaning of the text. Some believe it to be a hoax. Some say it may have been inspired by extraterrestrials. Others believe it may be incoherent religious ramblings manifested during free writing sessions or glossolalia experiences. Still others think it is a simple encryption system that was adapted and augmented by adding meaningless and duplicate symbols, false wordbreaks, and the transposition of letters. Whatever the case, the mystery still stands.
Historically speaking writing and decoding secret messages goes back many thousands of years to 1900 BCE from a period known as the Old Kingdom of Egypt. These “nonstandard” hieroglyphics carved into the walls and tombs were the first known attempts to disguise a message using secret codes and encryptions[i]. It is believed that these were meant more for mystery and intrigue then passing secrets but they were coded messages nonetheless. Today cryptography and cryptanalysis are big business with nations, armies, terrorist organizations and businesses attempting to protect (or steal) trade secrets.
Everyone loves the intrigue of mysteries and secrets. It may be a secret handshake between best friends in 4th grade or the cutesy phrases lovers whisper to one another in public knowing no one else will understand. It is our penchant for privacy that attracts us to secrecy.
In every field of inquiry man has created to understand this fascinating and bizarre world unsolved mysteries abound that puzzle the best and brightest among us. This includes the field of brain science.
Advances in neuroscience and technology have provided us with lifesaving innovations and a profound understanding of the structure of the brain that were unimaginable even a hundred years ago. One example of this extraordinary ability to map the brain is that we now know our brain has approximately 86 billion neurons. Each single neuron makes up to 40,000 connections resulting in trillions of connections. As a point of reference there are about 100 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy. The cosmic joke is that despite our profound insights and scientific advances each and every new baby born is another Voynich Manuscript cloaked in mystery.
It is as if each person’s brain is a secret text full of profound mysteries that we cannot fully fathom. Yet this lone organ determines how we think, how we act and each decision we make. Science and religion offer a fair amount of guidance and wisdom to help us navigate the world but ultimately everything we experience must first pass through our individual brain. In one sense we are held captive to the capacities and abilities of our brains. We cannot get outside of ourselves and no one can join us in the inner sanctum of our mind.
What you will discover in the following pages are specific and practical ways to understand how your brain, both your conscious and unconscious, are configured. Once you better understand these powerful, dynamic structures you will have a greater appreciation for how your brain receives, translates and interprets information.
Whenever we are given wisdom we are actually being given the power of choice. We have the right to do a lot with this new information or a nothing at all. For those who choose the courageous path of self-discovery all of life becomes a resplendent adventure to understanding the mystery of who we are, why we are here and why we do what we do. As you do this good, hard work life will reward you with joy, meaning, play, love and yes happiness.
✳
What are “impossible” problems? “Impossible” is in quotes because they aren’t without solutions. However, they feel that way because there rarely, if every, easy, straightforward answers to these complex, enduring problems. Here are a few examples of impossible problems:
- Should I leave my troubled marriage or stay for the children?
- Why do I keep dating (and breaking up with) the same type of person?
- Why do I have this non-stop brain filled with anxiety that prevents me from enjoying my life?
Decoding the mystery of who you are is hard work. No one gives you an owner’s manual of how to be a successful adult and live a happy life. You have to figure out a lot on your own. If you want to jump to the head of the line you must explore what is going on beneath the surface of your conscious, day-to-day awareness.
This book makes two assumptions. First, is that you have two minds. One of those minds is conscious and the other is unconscious. The unconscious is more powerful yet its fatal flaw is that it lacks conscious awareness hence the need for the less powerful, more nimble conscious mind. The more you understand the interplay between your unconscious and conscious mind the greater your ability to positively, thoughtfully and intentionally create the life you want. Imagine two people rowing a boat. If they are not working together, or worse, working against each other they will not make much progress. Once they begin to work together they can zoom across the lake. As a note, a more realistic comparison in this boating metaphor would be that the conscious mind is the boat, paddles and people in the boat and the unconscious is the enormous lake upon which they are sitting.
It is incorrect to think that information flows only one way from your unconscious to your conscious mind. There is a deep interplay between the two. For example, most of us don’t think much about how our personality is constructed. We automatically respond to stimuli according to what we think will make us happy. But just because you don’t typically examine a particular feature of your personality doesn’t mean you can’t.
Directing focused attention at a particular aspect of your personality (i.e. the tendency to go to anger too quickly, perfectionism, people pleasing, etc.) can significantly improve this trait and as a result improve your lives. This is just one example of how the conscious mind can influence the unconscious. The same is true when you understand how you attach to others. If you are aware of your unconscious bond to others and their attachment to you early on in the dating dance, you can be mindful of who you choose and what you are willing to tolerate or not. This insight can be the difference between living a long, happy life with someone or enduring a marriage filled with disappointment and misery.
Your mind is so complex it must operate in multiplicity. This simply means there are many individual subpersonalities inside your mind right now. This explains why you can have many opposing opinions about the same topic and not be certifiably insane. Each part has its own ideas of how it wants to live life. Sometimes the relationship between parts becomes hostile to one another for many legitimate reasons. Anyone forced to participate in a dysfunctional group can appreciate how difficult it can be to get anything done when there isn’t a healthy synergy among the members. One way to create a healthy mind is to build a bridge of understanding among your parts that will allow them to share their perspectives and communicate effectively. This is one way to jump to the head of the line when it comes to being happy in love and life.
When you finish this book, if you have completed all the exercises, you will have several important pieces of information to help you decipher your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and motivations in a more sophisticated manner. This information will help you solve those impossible problems more effectively but more importantly it will help prevent many of them from occurring in the first place.
[i] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_cryptography
BEGINNING
The most widely known precept of Buddhism is that suffering is a fact of life that cannot be avoided. Efforts to ignore suppress or deny the inevitable ironically create suffering that is unnecessary. At first glance this notion that life is suffering seems a dismal proposition. However, if you look closer there is a more meaningful purpose imbedded in this ancient wisdom.
The reality is that we all end up in complex life dramas with twists and turns we could never have imagined or anticipated. Many times we begin a new journey with the best of intentions only to have the whole thing unravel. Tragedy befalls each and every one of us. Most of us can accept that sometimes things don’t work out in our favor. Ask Floyd Horn about losing $380 million by missing the winning lottery ticket by one number. What must it have been like for Kevin Pearce to be a contender for the gold medal in his first Olympics then get injured weeks before opening ceremonies?
These events are breathtaking in their misfortune. Most of the struggles we face on a day-to-day basis are nowhere near this magnitude. But our tragedies are important. Just because someone may have suffered more than we have does not diminish our suffering or make it less important.
This book is based on a set of optimistic ideas all of which seek to help you understand how to alleviate unnecessary suffering and how to embrace sacred suffering. One of those ideas is the straightforward principle that staying too long in a bad thing is a bad thing that leads to other bad things and prevents good things from happening. The key phrase here is “too long”. No one intentionally chooses suffering. It is more often thrust on us against our will. But we can choose to walk away from “a bad thing” once we see it’s no good. If we don’t walk away from a bad thing we are inviting unnecessary suffering. When we do walk away we open a space in our hearts and minds for something better to enter.
I am convinced that everything we do is to make ourselves happy. It is probably more accurate to say that our actions, at any given moment, are for the express purpose of making some part of ourselves happy. This does not mean that the action itself is enjoyable. A soldier training to be a Navy SEAL might be getting his @$$ kicked but he knows that if he survives the training and becomes a SEAL that will make him extremely happy and proud.
To say that everything we do is to make ourselves happy is a controversial statement. However, consider for a moment the last few activities you engaged in before sitting down to read this book. Did you kiss your child and tuck them in bed? Eat a salad? Pour yourself a glass of wine? Ask an attractive girl at your gym out on a date? Scroll through Instagram, Tinder or The Facebook?
Granted many times our efforts to achieve happiness are gambles that do not pay off. You are not certain that reading this book will make you happier but you are willing to take the chance. Why? Because the mere possibility of learning new ideas that could bring you closer to the type of happiness you seek makes you happy.
I spent considerable time formulating the title of this book. Here are a few that ended up on the cutting room floor: What To Do With Impossible Problems, Winning The Unconscious Game, The Last Self Help Book You’ll Ever Need (egotistical I know), and Thriving In Chaos. So why did I land on The Hard Work Of Happiness? First, I think true happiness is underappreciated yet it motivates everything we do from skipping stones at the lake with your children to buying a vintage car for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Second, personally and professionally I have found achieving lasting, authentic happiness to be hard work.
But wait! Aren’t we warned that pursuing happiness is shallow at best and self-centered and hedonistic at worst? Many consider happiness a second rate, ephemeral state that is acceptable only occasionally but should not be thought of as permanent. Shouldn’t we pursue joy, love, meaningfulness and altruism instead?
If happiness is confined to a superficial feeling while experiencing something pleasurable then yes it would be foolish to order one’s life around such simplemindedness. Because our hedonic tendencies are insatiable, they constantly roam for something new, novel, and strange. The happiness we extract from our material possessions inevitably fade over time leaving a void that we then fill with more stuff. If this statement is true then why would anyone pay ridiculous amounts of money for luxury items that will only provide temporary satisfaction? You guessed it: Because it makes them happy!
However, happiness, like love, is polysemous. The ancient Greeks had a different view on what constitutes happiness. They didn’t eschew the idea of happiness, they embraced it, deepened it. Aristotle, specifically, delineated multiple dimensions of happiness.
In Nicomachean Ethics Aristotle elaborated on three ways of living that lead to a happy life. First, he describes a life of pleasure and enjoyment. The second way of living is to live freely and act with integrity, curiosity and intention. The third type of life is that of a thinker, philosopher, and philanthropist.
Martin Seligman, the founding father of Positive Psychology, updated these ideas for modern times. In his groundbreaking work Seligman observed how psychology focused primarily on moving people from a negative ten up to zero. This, he surmised, is a worthy goal and psychology, psychiatry and psychotherapy all made worthy contributions to humanity by reducing suffering. Seligman, however, had a more ambitious challenge: Why not move people from zero to positive ten?
Seligman proposed the idea that to live a happy life we need to expand the idea of what being happy means. Basing his theory on Aristotle’s Ethics Seligman described three ways of living: The Pleasurable Life, The Good Life & The Meaningful Life. Taken in this context happiness is less one-dimensional and more dynamic.
The Pleasurable Life is based on sensorial pleasures of both body and mind. Think of sitting in the warm sun at the beach listening to the waves crash against the shore. Think of enjoying an exquisite meal with dear friends before heading off to the movies together. Think of getting a massage at your favorite spa before heading to the salon for a makeover. These are examples of The Pleasurable Life.
The Good Life is characterized by courage and curiosity. Living The Good Life means perpetually seeking to learn and understand one’s self, others and our purpose in life and to act with integrity. The Good Life seeks adventure through greater self-awareness but also by taking literal adventures to engage the world outside of the typically safe and predictable routines of daily life. One defining characteristic of The Good Life is following the threefold path of discovering what you are good at doing, what you find the most pleasure in doing and what others will pay you to do. Once you discover your strengths you then fashion your life in such a way as to manifest flow states or what the Greeks called eudemonia or human flourishing. As Fabienne Fredrickson noted, “The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling.”
Finally, The Meaningful Life is inclusive of all that The Pleasurable Life and The Good Life have to offer. However, The Meaningful Life moves beyond the ego and takes all the manifested goodness of The Pleasurable Life and The Good Life and gives back to others. By giving out of your abundance you create a positive loop of gratitude that cycles back and forth between you and the person you are serving. You get your deepest needs met and contribute your unique passion, gifts and talents to those who can benefit from them. As theologian Frederick Buechner writes, “Your vocation in life is where your greatest joy meets the world’s greatest need”. Through your struggles, failures and victories you are privileged to be able to help others on their journey.
Our very own Declaration of Independence contains important ideas on happiness, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal and that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights: that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”
✳
If happiness is one of the bedrock motivations and foundations of our democracy then why are we, as a country, so unhappy?
Surgeon General Sylvia Trent-Adams recently posted on her official Twitter account, “Loneliness is associated with increased risk of premature death. And the effect on mortality is comparable to impact of smoking or obesity [sic].”
Loneliness? How could such an advanced culture that is connected every minute of the day with everything and everyone be so fundamentally lonely? Part of the problem is due to information overload. I don’t need to argue for how dependent we have become on mobile devices, the Internet, on-demand programming, etc.
Another factor in the epidemic of loneliness is the fast-paced nature of modern life. Because we can work from home every third Thursday and wear jeans on Friday we are expected to be available to solve any problem that crops up at work at any moment. Our managers know we are rarely if ever more than an arm’s length away from our smart phones. Sometimes we are tempted to play the role of a super hero who can solve work problems on the go while dropping off the kids at soccer practice before dashing over for a quick trip to the grocery store before driving back across town to pick up the kids to make it home in time to cook dinner (women especially in our culture are expected to maintain a seamless transition between their professional and domestic roles) then have quality time with our partner so we can get up and do the whole rat race over again tomorrow. That is exhausting just to write. It used to take a village to raise a family (or at least a cluster of family members from different generations who all lived nearby). Now it is supposed to take two people . . . and sometimes only one. Could this be a clue as to why we are sliding down the happiness scale?
There are other factors. We are a consumer driven culture that promises the next purchase will make us “happy”. Our brains are wired to seek pleasure (happiness) and when we buy something, even when we can’t afford it, we do it because it makes us happy for a moment. The biological motivation behind this retail therapy is the quick shot of dopamine we expect when getting something new. In other words: Retail therapy is a drug that makes us happy . . . for a moment.
But our brains crave the dopamine rush of getting a new phone, watch, outfit, car, computer, coffee, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, etc. Buddhist philosophy teaches that life is suffering, everything changes and nothing fully satisfies. If nothing, nothing fully satisfies then why not chase whatever glimmers of happiness we can find? Isn’t it our inalienable right to be happy?
Another factor that blocks us from happiness is worrying about things beyond our control. According to a study conducted by the Mayo Clinic and the National Institute on Aging seventy percent of Americans are on prescription drugs. Americans are number one in the world in terms of how many people take medications as well as how many medications each person takes. Yet from data published in 2016 by the World Health Organization we rank 31st in life expectancy. The main reason for this is obesity. Could there be a more revealing marker for a one-dimensional view of how to make ourselves happy than obesity? Shoving high calorie, low quality food into our pie holes at a faster rate than our sedentary lifestyle can burn off is a morbid picture of our lack of creativity and enthusiasm for a meaningful life.
Obesity has many causes that disadvantage certain populations such as poverty and genetics. If you are born into poverty and have a family history of Type 2 diabetes, the cards are stacked against you before you’re even born. But that doesn’t account for the nearly 40% rate of obesity in our country. We just want to feel happy even if it is only for a moment and it costs us our future health. These discouraging statistics go on and on. We are 44th when it comes to infant mortality yet we supposedly have the most sophisticated (and complicated) health system in the world.
We are a suffering nation and most of the suffering is preventable. We so desperately want to be happy but subject ourselves day-after-day to one horrible, divisive news story after another. We need to be connected to other people but are afraid of that person next to us in the grocery store checkout line. Television shows like To Catch A Predator erode our confidence in humanity as the stream of servicemen, police officers, judges, teachers, priests, high school coaches are caught in the act of luring a child into having sex. These prey on our deepest fears so we choose to “trust no one”. As a result we are disconnected from others, which ultimately disconnects us from ourselves.
✳
Deep within each of us exists a vast unconscious world of which we are unaware. These autonomous systems keep our heart beating and food digesting. They sort and store our memories and process data from the external world based on our personality, attachment style and our many subpersonalities. This unconscious world is constantly teeming with activity and operates at lightning fast speeds. Our unconscious is more powerful both in scope and speed but has one fatal flaw – it is unconscious. This gives our conscious mind its great advantage: consciousness. Like a good cosmic joke the two cannot function without each other. The unconscious would be one great unknowable abyss without consciousness.
However, our conscious mind desperately needs the unconscious. It is impossible for our conscious mind to store the incredible amount of data we absorb in a single hour much less a day, year or lifetime. The unconscious ferrets out what is important and what is not at any given moment. The unconscious discards the image you saw of Lana Del Ray on the t-shirt of the barista at your local coffee spot this morning. It files each item in the appropriate bins of short-term or long-term memory. Our conscious and unconscious are two sides of the same coin.
But what happens when trauma disrupts the normal operation of the psyche? None of us would be able to manage a single day if there were no filter for our memories, traumatic or otherwise. We would be reduced to a puddle of tears unable to complete basic ADL’s (Activities of Daily Living). We admit people to psychiatric hospitals who cannot suppress their trauma enough to function normally in life.
Where, then, do these traumatic memories go? We push them so far down that many times we forget they ever happened until something or someone triggers them. Once triggered those terrible memories come rushing back with a vengeance threatening to upend our lives. Many times these memories come out in unexpected ways and at inconvenient times through panic attacks, sudden outbursts of anger, fear, grief or overwhelming depression.
However terrible the experience of revisiting our trauma may be, the truth is life must go on regardless. We must perform at work, at home, with children, with friends and romantic partners. Though we may not consciously be aware of how deeply affected we are on a minute-to-minute basis our wounds continue to be processed in our unconscious. The purpose of this continual wound analysis is to setup internal fortifications to prevent ever getting traumatized in the same way again.
If at any point we experience something remotely similar to what caused us so much pain our unconscious will sound the alarm in an attempt to ward off the threat. If we don’t get the message or don’t respond to it in the way our unconscious thinks is safe it will up the ante with panic or dread. Maybe we hear a song that triggers a memory or see someone who looks eerily similar to the person who harmed us. The cascade of internal warnings will continue to intensify until we remove ourselves from the danger. If we don’t act on our “flight” response (e.g. stay in an abusive relationship) then our system will wage war against itself that inevitably leads to depression, anxiety or worse.
In this state of internal unrest we don’t find relationships as interesting and food is bland and unsatisfying. We stay in bed all weekend. We isolate ourselves because going outside takes so much energy and we want to protect those we care about from our misery. We fear our depression is a virus that might infect others. We medicate with food, alcohol, and TV to escape. We troll social media as a form of self-mutilation with all of its sparkling images that makes our muted existence pale in comparison. We logically understand we need to ask for help but from whom and for what? This is the fertile ground upon which impossible problems take root.
People don’t bring their easy problems to therapy. They bring impossible problems. Impossible problems feel impossible because all attempts to solve them have come up short. Our only options seem to range from bad to worse. The very nature of impossible problems is that they are not static. The problems themselves shift and change on a regular basis. The solutions we come up with yesterday don’t work today. Like an enemy combatant who changes their tactics to evade defeat, so too do our impossible problems adjust based on our efforts to solve them. That is why our strategies for solving these longstanding challenges must be adaptive as well.
Timothy Keller observes in Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering:
No matter what precautions we take, no matter how well we have put together a good life, no matter how hard we have worked to be healthy, wealthy, and comfortable with friends and family, and successful with our career – something will inevitably ruin it. No amount of money, power, and planning can prevent bereavement, dire illness, relationship betrayal, financial disaster, or a host of troubles from entering your life. Human life is fatally fragile and subject to forces beyond our power to manage. Life is tragic. We all know this intuitively, and those who face the challenges of suffering and pain learn all too well that it is impossible to do so using our own resources. We all need support if we are not to succumb to despair.
The support we need may come through traditional methods such as asking for help from friends and family, psychotherapy, medications, books, support groups, our religion, etc. There are, however, less conventional ways of experiencing healing via The Universe. I use the phrase The Universe to describe whatever benevolent force is behind the mysteriously arranged events of our life. I ascribe the feminine pronoun She to The Universe not on an ontological or politically correct basis. I do so for a more practical reason: When I am in a conversation with The Universe it feels familiar and feminine to me. Hence the descriptor She seems appropriate.
Whether you believe in a benevolent force at work in the universe or not I think we can all admit that there are moments when something happens that is beyond explanation. If you have not experienced these it is only because you are not paying attention. It does not matter where you think these events originated or to whom you ascribe them. They are beyond our ability to understand. It only matters that you find the humility to receive them as gifts and be grateful. I have discovered that in these moments The Universe is trying to give us something we need and/or want.
When I attempt to explain to clients the role I feel the The Universe plays in their impossible problems I use the image of a scale. On one side of the scale are all the healthy decisions they make both big or small. In my imagination these are represented by gold coins. These could be grand gestures like donating millions of dollars to helping with medical care in neglected parts of the world. These acts could also be more intimate in nature like picking up a piece of trash in a city park.
On the other side of this scale are unhealthy decisions represented by lead coins. Again these may be bad decisions on an epic scale such as the atrocities committed by governments against their own people in an effort to retain power and suppress freedom. They may also seem benign like tossing a cigarette butt out the window of your car.
It may seem as if I am oversimplifying life and that if we just do good things, good things will happen and if we do bad things, bad things will happen. However, what I witness in my own life and the lives of my clients is something far more involved and personal.
The reality is that good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. Things that make no sense happen to us all. The scale analogy breaks down under even the lightest of scrutiny. Yet what I have observed is that The Universe is very patient with us. Just because the scale on the tip of Her finger may have more chips stacked on one side or the other doesn’t mean the scale will actually tip in that direction. She does not work on our timelines or our logic.
My observation is that She is very patient giving us countless opportunities to turn our ship around and make good, healthy (often hard) decisions. When She chooses to act in our lives it is motivated by love. Sometimes her gifts a generous. Other times they feel harsh and punitive. Either way they are what we need for that moment. We can choose to receive Her wisdom or reject it at our own risk.
There are so many caveats to what I just wrote I can almost hear your eyes rolling, dear reader. “What about the time my mother got cancer when I was eleven and my father abandoned us for another woman and her kids and my teenage brother had to raise us?” I don’t know. I don’t understand that either. And I am truly sorry that happened to you. Life is not fair. “What about the mothers and fathers and children who are starving and suffering in war torn areas of the world? Is your Universe ‘loving’ them too?” I don’t know. I don’t understand either. And I’m truly sorry it is happening. Life is not fair.
The only thing I am certain of is that I have front row seats to the most incredible show on earth: the intimate, private lives of my clients. Every day I am privileged, grateful, and humbled to witness their struggles and successes. Their stories are filled with magic and tragedy, which often happen in very close proximity to one another. I often see a faint outline on the edges of what I call The Universe at play.
What I believe is that throughout every day each of us encounter what I call “magic moments”. These magic moments are opportunities to make choices that stack either a gold coin on the healthy side of our scale or a lead coin on the unhealthy side. At some point for reasons unknown The Universe chooses to act. As we move into and through these opportunities something may happen based on our actions or nothing may happen but in our hearts and minds and on our scales it is noted.
Here is a story that illustrates The Universe sprinkling some of her fairy dust in one of my therapy sessions. Once I had a client who was also a therapist. She and I worked together for over a year through a very difficult time in her life. We both knew our time was coming to a close but neither of us were ready to make the call just yet.
After working with someone for a year you get to know them pretty well. So I was surprised when at the beginning of a session she shared with me something I didn’t know about her past which was her receiving a scholarship to play sports in college.
After telling me her story I closed my eyes and jokingly put my pen to my forehead as if I were a psychic and said, “Let me see if I can guess your jersey number.” When I did this two numbers came to mind: 7 & 10. I told her I couldn’t tell if it was seven or if it was ten. A look of shock and disbelief came over her face. I was concerned and confused.
“What’s wrong?” I asked
“How did you know that?” she finally managed to say.
“I . . . don’t know. Why?”
She went on to tell me this story.
Her father, whom she dearly loves, had also received a scholarship to play baseball in college. When he played his number was ten. As a tribute to his positive influence in her life she wanted to be number ten. Unfortunately that number was already taken by another teammate. So instead she chose number seven. When her teammate eventually graduated before her she switched her number from seven to number ten.
Now I was the one dumbstruck by what had just occurred.
“Well that’s weird,” was all I could think to say.
“Uh . . . yeah,” she said laughing.
This experience had no obvious impact on the course of our counseling. Then why am I telling this story? There are two reasons why I feel this story is relevant.
First, it is a practical example of the power of The Universe playfully weaving herself into small moments in important ways. The statistical probability of guessing one jersey number is probably not that high. The complexity of the story multiplies many times with the addition of two jersey numbers. The reason is that most college athletes never change their jersey number as long as they play. I am no mathematician but the statistical probability of guessing she had not one but two jersey numbers and guessing both of them correctly seems extremely high.
Another important factor is that this was the first time she and I had ever discussed this topic. The reason I am so certain of this is because when I envision a female softball player I typically imagine a strong woman with a stocky build. My client weighed maybe 100 lbs. now and weighed even less in college. This visual non sequitur of her diminutive stature and my stereotypical image of a female softball player’s physique made an impression on me.
The second reason why this story is important is its longevity. I am still talking about it to this day. It is as if The Universe gifted me with a way to talk about her strange phenomenon in a confident, humorous, quirky way. The Universe has a serious, dark side as well. Just look at any of the impossible problems we are struggling with today. But I also think she is also telling us that in our struggles she can be playful as well.
The best answers I have been able to muster from the pain I have endured, caused, and observed, all the training, healing and redemption I have witnessed and experienced is that the authentic happiness we seek lies in our ability to make meaning from the terrific and the terrible. Our ability to find the fortune in the misfortune. Our capacity to love others and ourselves and make better choices where our lives flow in a more healthy direction. Once we begin to see the obstacle in front of us as the way forward, not something to be avoided and discarded, we will thrive in spite of any temporary circumstances. Today you have a choice. Will you face your challenges? Your character flaws? Your pain? Will you own the pain you have caused others and seek reconciliation? The secret to a successful life is a challenging but rewarding road not for the faint of heart and not without failing often.
The reality is that we all end up in complex life dramas with twists and turns we could never have imagined or anticipated. Many times we begin a new journey with the best of intentions only to have the whole thing unravel. Tragedy befalls each and every one of us. Most of us can accept that sometimes things don’t work out in our favor. Ask Floyd Horn about losing $380 million by missing the winning lottery ticket by one number. What must it have been like for Kevin Pearce to be a contender for the gold medal in his first Olympics then get injured weeks before opening ceremonies?
These events are breathtaking in their misfortune. Most of the struggles we face on a day-to-day basis are nowhere near this magnitude. But our tragedies are important. Just because someone may have suffered more than we have does not diminish our suffering or make it less important.
This book is based on a set of optimistic ideas all of which seek to help you understand how to alleviate unnecessary suffering and how to embrace sacred suffering. One of those ideas is the straightforward principle that staying too long in a bad thing is a bad thing that leads to other bad things and prevents good things from happening. The key phrase here is “too long”. No one intentionally chooses suffering. It is more often thrust on us against our will. But we can choose to walk away from “a bad thing” once we see it’s no good. If we don’t walk away from a bad thing we are inviting unnecessary suffering. When we do walk away we open a space in our hearts and minds for something better to enter.
I am convinced that everything we do is to make ourselves happy. It is probably more accurate to say that our actions, at any given moment, are for the express purpose of making some part of ourselves happy. This does not mean that the action itself is enjoyable. A soldier training to be a Navy SEAL might be getting his @$$ kicked but he knows that if he survives the training and becomes a SEAL that will make him extremely happy and proud.
To say that everything we do is to make ourselves happy is a controversial statement. However, consider for a moment the last few activities you engaged in before sitting down to read this book. Did you kiss your child and tuck them in bed? Eat a salad? Pour yourself a glass of wine? Ask an attractive girl at your gym out on a date? Scroll through Instagram, Tinder or The Facebook?
Granted many times our efforts to achieve happiness are gambles that do not pay off. You are not certain that reading this book will make you happier but you are willing to take the chance. Why? Because the mere possibility of learning new ideas that could bring you closer to the type of happiness you seek makes you happy.
I spent considerable time formulating the title of this book. Here are a few that ended up on the cutting room floor: What To Do With Impossible Problems, Winning The Unconscious Game, The Last Self Help Book You’ll Ever Need (egotistical I know), and Thriving In Chaos. So why did I land on The Hard Work Of Happiness? First, I think true happiness is underappreciated yet it motivates everything we do from skipping stones at the lake with your children to buying a vintage car for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Second, personally and professionally I have found achieving lasting, authentic happiness to be hard work.
But wait! Aren’t we warned that pursuing happiness is shallow at best and self-centered and hedonistic at worst? Many consider happiness a second rate, ephemeral state that is acceptable only occasionally but should not be thought of as permanent. Shouldn’t we pursue joy, love, meaningfulness and altruism instead?
If happiness is confined to a superficial feeling while experiencing something pleasurable then yes it would be foolish to order one’s life around such simplemindedness. Because our hedonic tendencies are insatiable, they constantly roam for something new, novel, and strange. The happiness we extract from our material possessions inevitably fade over time leaving a void that we then fill with more stuff. If this statement is true then why would anyone pay ridiculous amounts of money for luxury items that will only provide temporary satisfaction? You guessed it: Because it makes them happy!
However, happiness, like love, is polysemous. The ancient Greeks had a different view on what constitutes happiness. They didn’t eschew the idea of happiness, they embraced it, deepened it. Aristotle, specifically, delineated multiple dimensions of happiness.
In Nicomachean Ethics Aristotle elaborated on three ways of living that lead to a happy life. First, he describes a life of pleasure and enjoyment. The second way of living is to live freely and act with integrity, curiosity and intention. The third type of life is that of a thinker, philosopher, and philanthropist.
Martin Seligman, the founding father of Positive Psychology, updated these ideas for modern times. In his groundbreaking work Seligman observed how psychology focused primarily on moving people from a negative ten up to zero. This, he surmised, is a worthy goal and psychology, psychiatry and psychotherapy all made worthy contributions to humanity by reducing suffering. Seligman, however, had a more ambitious challenge: Why not move people from zero to positive ten?
Seligman proposed the idea that to live a happy life we need to expand the idea of what being happy means. Basing his theory on Aristotle’s Ethics Seligman described three ways of living: The Pleasurable Life, The Good Life & The Meaningful Life. Taken in this context happiness is less one-dimensional and more dynamic.
The Pleasurable Life is based on sensorial pleasures of both body and mind. Think of sitting in the warm sun at the beach listening to the waves crash against the shore. Think of enjoying an exquisite meal with dear friends before heading off to the movies together. Think of getting a massage at your favorite spa before heading to the salon for a makeover. These are examples of The Pleasurable Life.
The Good Life is characterized by courage and curiosity. Living The Good Life means perpetually seeking to learn and understand one’s self, others and our purpose in life and to act with integrity. The Good Life seeks adventure through greater self-awareness but also by taking literal adventures to engage the world outside of the typically safe and predictable routines of daily life. One defining characteristic of The Good Life is following the threefold path of discovering what you are good at doing, what you find the most pleasure in doing and what others will pay you to do. Once you discover your strengths you then fashion your life in such a way as to manifest flow states or what the Greeks called eudemonia or human flourishing. As Fabienne Fredrickson noted, “The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling.”
Finally, The Meaningful Life is inclusive of all that The Pleasurable Life and The Good Life have to offer. However, The Meaningful Life moves beyond the ego and takes all the manifested goodness of The Pleasurable Life and The Good Life and gives back to others. By giving out of your abundance you create a positive loop of gratitude that cycles back and forth between you and the person you are serving. You get your deepest needs met and contribute your unique passion, gifts and talents to those who can benefit from them. As theologian Frederick Buechner writes, “Your vocation in life is where your greatest joy meets the world’s greatest need”. Through your struggles, failures and victories you are privileged to be able to help others on their journey.
Our very own Declaration of Independence contains important ideas on happiness, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal and that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights: that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”
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If happiness is one of the bedrock motivations and foundations of our democracy then why are we, as a country, so unhappy?
Surgeon General Sylvia Trent-Adams recently posted on her official Twitter account, “Loneliness is associated with increased risk of premature death. And the effect on mortality is comparable to impact of smoking or obesity [sic].”
Loneliness? How could such an advanced culture that is connected every minute of the day with everything and everyone be so fundamentally lonely? Part of the problem is due to information overload. I don’t need to argue for how dependent we have become on mobile devices, the Internet, on-demand programming, etc.
Another factor in the epidemic of loneliness is the fast-paced nature of modern life. Because we can work from home every third Thursday and wear jeans on Friday we are expected to be available to solve any problem that crops up at work at any moment. Our managers know we are rarely if ever more than an arm’s length away from our smart phones. Sometimes we are tempted to play the role of a super hero who can solve work problems on the go while dropping off the kids at soccer practice before dashing over for a quick trip to the grocery store before driving back across town to pick up the kids to make it home in time to cook dinner (women especially in our culture are expected to maintain a seamless transition between their professional and domestic roles) then have quality time with our partner so we can get up and do the whole rat race over again tomorrow. That is exhausting just to write. It used to take a village to raise a family (or at least a cluster of family members from different generations who all lived nearby). Now it is supposed to take two people . . . and sometimes only one. Could this be a clue as to why we are sliding down the happiness scale?
There are other factors. We are a consumer driven culture that promises the next purchase will make us “happy”. Our brains are wired to seek pleasure (happiness) and when we buy something, even when we can’t afford it, we do it because it makes us happy for a moment. The biological motivation behind this retail therapy is the quick shot of dopamine we expect when getting something new. In other words: Retail therapy is a drug that makes us happy . . . for a moment.
But our brains crave the dopamine rush of getting a new phone, watch, outfit, car, computer, coffee, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, etc. Buddhist philosophy teaches that life is suffering, everything changes and nothing fully satisfies. If nothing, nothing fully satisfies then why not chase whatever glimmers of happiness we can find? Isn’t it our inalienable right to be happy?
Another factor that blocks us from happiness is worrying about things beyond our control. According to a study conducted by the Mayo Clinic and the National Institute on Aging seventy percent of Americans are on prescription drugs. Americans are number one in the world in terms of how many people take medications as well as how many medications each person takes. Yet from data published in 2016 by the World Health Organization we rank 31st in life expectancy. The main reason for this is obesity. Could there be a more revealing marker for a one-dimensional view of how to make ourselves happy than obesity? Shoving high calorie, low quality food into our pie holes at a faster rate than our sedentary lifestyle can burn off is a morbid picture of our lack of creativity and enthusiasm for a meaningful life.
Obesity has many causes that disadvantage certain populations such as poverty and genetics. If you are born into poverty and have a family history of Type 2 diabetes, the cards are stacked against you before you’re even born. But that doesn’t account for the nearly 40% rate of obesity in our country. We just want to feel happy even if it is only for a moment and it costs us our future health. These discouraging statistics go on and on. We are 44th when it comes to infant mortality yet we supposedly have the most sophisticated (and complicated) health system in the world.
We are a suffering nation and most of the suffering is preventable. We so desperately want to be happy but subject ourselves day-after-day to one horrible, divisive news story after another. We need to be connected to other people but are afraid of that person next to us in the grocery store checkout line. Television shows like To Catch A Predator erode our confidence in humanity as the stream of servicemen, police officers, judges, teachers, priests, high school coaches are caught in the act of luring a child into having sex. These prey on our deepest fears so we choose to “trust no one”. As a result we are disconnected from others, which ultimately disconnects us from ourselves.
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Deep within each of us exists a vast unconscious world of which we are unaware. These autonomous systems keep our heart beating and food digesting. They sort and store our memories and process data from the external world based on our personality, attachment style and our many subpersonalities. This unconscious world is constantly teeming with activity and operates at lightning fast speeds. Our unconscious is more powerful both in scope and speed but has one fatal flaw – it is unconscious. This gives our conscious mind its great advantage: consciousness. Like a good cosmic joke the two cannot function without each other. The unconscious would be one great unknowable abyss without consciousness.
However, our conscious mind desperately needs the unconscious. It is impossible for our conscious mind to store the incredible amount of data we absorb in a single hour much less a day, year or lifetime. The unconscious ferrets out what is important and what is not at any given moment. The unconscious discards the image you saw of Lana Del Ray on the t-shirt of the barista at your local coffee spot this morning. It files each item in the appropriate bins of short-term or long-term memory. Our conscious and unconscious are two sides of the same coin.
But what happens when trauma disrupts the normal operation of the psyche? None of us would be able to manage a single day if there were no filter for our memories, traumatic or otherwise. We would be reduced to a puddle of tears unable to complete basic ADL’s (Activities of Daily Living). We admit people to psychiatric hospitals who cannot suppress their trauma enough to function normally in life.
Where, then, do these traumatic memories go? We push them so far down that many times we forget they ever happened until something or someone triggers them. Once triggered those terrible memories come rushing back with a vengeance threatening to upend our lives. Many times these memories come out in unexpected ways and at inconvenient times through panic attacks, sudden outbursts of anger, fear, grief or overwhelming depression.
However terrible the experience of revisiting our trauma may be, the truth is life must go on regardless. We must perform at work, at home, with children, with friends and romantic partners. Though we may not consciously be aware of how deeply affected we are on a minute-to-minute basis our wounds continue to be processed in our unconscious. The purpose of this continual wound analysis is to setup internal fortifications to prevent ever getting traumatized in the same way again.
If at any point we experience something remotely similar to what caused us so much pain our unconscious will sound the alarm in an attempt to ward off the threat. If we don’t get the message or don’t respond to it in the way our unconscious thinks is safe it will up the ante with panic or dread. Maybe we hear a song that triggers a memory or see someone who looks eerily similar to the person who harmed us. The cascade of internal warnings will continue to intensify until we remove ourselves from the danger. If we don’t act on our “flight” response (e.g. stay in an abusive relationship) then our system will wage war against itself that inevitably leads to depression, anxiety or worse.
In this state of internal unrest we don’t find relationships as interesting and food is bland and unsatisfying. We stay in bed all weekend. We isolate ourselves because going outside takes so much energy and we want to protect those we care about from our misery. We fear our depression is a virus that might infect others. We medicate with food, alcohol, and TV to escape. We troll social media as a form of self-mutilation with all of its sparkling images that makes our muted existence pale in comparison. We logically understand we need to ask for help but from whom and for what? This is the fertile ground upon which impossible problems take root.
People don’t bring their easy problems to therapy. They bring impossible problems. Impossible problems feel impossible because all attempts to solve them have come up short. Our only options seem to range from bad to worse. The very nature of impossible problems is that they are not static. The problems themselves shift and change on a regular basis. The solutions we come up with yesterday don’t work today. Like an enemy combatant who changes their tactics to evade defeat, so too do our impossible problems adjust based on our efforts to solve them. That is why our strategies for solving these longstanding challenges must be adaptive as well.
Timothy Keller observes in Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering:
No matter what precautions we take, no matter how well we have put together a good life, no matter how hard we have worked to be healthy, wealthy, and comfortable with friends and family, and successful with our career – something will inevitably ruin it. No amount of money, power, and planning can prevent bereavement, dire illness, relationship betrayal, financial disaster, or a host of troubles from entering your life. Human life is fatally fragile and subject to forces beyond our power to manage. Life is tragic. We all know this intuitively, and those who face the challenges of suffering and pain learn all too well that it is impossible to do so using our own resources. We all need support if we are not to succumb to despair.
The support we need may come through traditional methods such as asking for help from friends and family, psychotherapy, medications, books, support groups, our religion, etc. There are, however, less conventional ways of experiencing healing via The Universe. I use the phrase The Universe to describe whatever benevolent force is behind the mysteriously arranged events of our life. I ascribe the feminine pronoun She to The Universe not on an ontological or politically correct basis. I do so for a more practical reason: When I am in a conversation with The Universe it feels familiar and feminine to me. Hence the descriptor She seems appropriate.
Whether you believe in a benevolent force at work in the universe or not I think we can all admit that there are moments when something happens that is beyond explanation. If you have not experienced these it is only because you are not paying attention. It does not matter where you think these events originated or to whom you ascribe them. They are beyond our ability to understand. It only matters that you find the humility to receive them as gifts and be grateful. I have discovered that in these moments The Universe is trying to give us something we need and/or want.
When I attempt to explain to clients the role I feel the The Universe plays in their impossible problems I use the image of a scale. On one side of the scale are all the healthy decisions they make both big or small. In my imagination these are represented by gold coins. These could be grand gestures like donating millions of dollars to helping with medical care in neglected parts of the world. These acts could also be more intimate in nature like picking up a piece of trash in a city park.
On the other side of this scale are unhealthy decisions represented by lead coins. Again these may be bad decisions on an epic scale such as the atrocities committed by governments against their own people in an effort to retain power and suppress freedom. They may also seem benign like tossing a cigarette butt out the window of your car.
It may seem as if I am oversimplifying life and that if we just do good things, good things will happen and if we do bad things, bad things will happen. However, what I witness in my own life and the lives of my clients is something far more involved and personal.
The reality is that good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. Things that make no sense happen to us all. The scale analogy breaks down under even the lightest of scrutiny. Yet what I have observed is that The Universe is very patient with us. Just because the scale on the tip of Her finger may have more chips stacked on one side or the other doesn’t mean the scale will actually tip in that direction. She does not work on our timelines or our logic.
My observation is that She is very patient giving us countless opportunities to turn our ship around and make good, healthy (often hard) decisions. When She chooses to act in our lives it is motivated by love. Sometimes her gifts a generous. Other times they feel harsh and punitive. Either way they are what we need for that moment. We can choose to receive Her wisdom or reject it at our own risk.
There are so many caveats to what I just wrote I can almost hear your eyes rolling, dear reader. “What about the time my mother got cancer when I was eleven and my father abandoned us for another woman and her kids and my teenage brother had to raise us?” I don’t know. I don’t understand that either. And I am truly sorry that happened to you. Life is not fair. “What about the mothers and fathers and children who are starving and suffering in war torn areas of the world? Is your Universe ‘loving’ them too?” I don’t know. I don’t understand either. And I’m truly sorry it is happening. Life is not fair.
The only thing I am certain of is that I have front row seats to the most incredible show on earth: the intimate, private lives of my clients. Every day I am privileged, grateful, and humbled to witness their struggles and successes. Their stories are filled with magic and tragedy, which often happen in very close proximity to one another. I often see a faint outline on the edges of what I call The Universe at play.
What I believe is that throughout every day each of us encounter what I call “magic moments”. These magic moments are opportunities to make choices that stack either a gold coin on the healthy side of our scale or a lead coin on the unhealthy side. At some point for reasons unknown The Universe chooses to act. As we move into and through these opportunities something may happen based on our actions or nothing may happen but in our hearts and minds and on our scales it is noted.
Here is a story that illustrates The Universe sprinkling some of her fairy dust in one of my therapy sessions. Once I had a client who was also a therapist. She and I worked together for over a year through a very difficult time in her life. We both knew our time was coming to a close but neither of us were ready to make the call just yet.
After working with someone for a year you get to know them pretty well. So I was surprised when at the beginning of a session she shared with me something I didn’t know about her past which was her receiving a scholarship to play sports in college.
After telling me her story I closed my eyes and jokingly put my pen to my forehead as if I were a psychic and said, “Let me see if I can guess your jersey number.” When I did this two numbers came to mind: 7 & 10. I told her I couldn’t tell if it was seven or if it was ten. A look of shock and disbelief came over her face. I was concerned and confused.
“What’s wrong?” I asked
“How did you know that?” she finally managed to say.
“I . . . don’t know. Why?”
She went on to tell me this story.
Her father, whom she dearly loves, had also received a scholarship to play baseball in college. When he played his number was ten. As a tribute to his positive influence in her life she wanted to be number ten. Unfortunately that number was already taken by another teammate. So instead she chose number seven. When her teammate eventually graduated before her she switched her number from seven to number ten.
Now I was the one dumbstruck by what had just occurred.
“Well that’s weird,” was all I could think to say.
“Uh . . . yeah,” she said laughing.
This experience had no obvious impact on the course of our counseling. Then why am I telling this story? There are two reasons why I feel this story is relevant.
First, it is a practical example of the power of The Universe playfully weaving herself into small moments in important ways. The statistical probability of guessing one jersey number is probably not that high. The complexity of the story multiplies many times with the addition of two jersey numbers. The reason is that most college athletes never change their jersey number as long as they play. I am no mathematician but the statistical probability of guessing she had not one but two jersey numbers and guessing both of them correctly seems extremely high.
Another important factor is that this was the first time she and I had ever discussed this topic. The reason I am so certain of this is because when I envision a female softball player I typically imagine a strong woman with a stocky build. My client weighed maybe 100 lbs. now and weighed even less in college. This visual non sequitur of her diminutive stature and my stereotypical image of a female softball player’s physique made an impression on me.
The second reason why this story is important is its longevity. I am still talking about it to this day. It is as if The Universe gifted me with a way to talk about her strange phenomenon in a confident, humorous, quirky way. The Universe has a serious, dark side as well. Just look at any of the impossible problems we are struggling with today. But I also think she is also telling us that in our struggles she can be playful as well.
The best answers I have been able to muster from the pain I have endured, caused, and observed, all the training, healing and redemption I have witnessed and experienced is that the authentic happiness we seek lies in our ability to make meaning from the terrific and the terrible. Our ability to find the fortune in the misfortune. Our capacity to love others and ourselves and make better choices where our lives flow in a more healthy direction. Once we begin to see the obstacle in front of us as the way forward, not something to be avoided and discarded, we will thrive in spite of any temporary circumstances. Today you have a choice. Will you face your challenges? Your character flaws? Your pain? Will you own the pain you have caused others and seek reconciliation? The secret to a successful life is a challenging but rewarding road not for the faint of heart and not without failing often.
THE ARC OF SELF-DETERMINATION
In case this point is not abundantly clear yet let me repeat it: Every solution to every problem you will ever have must start with awareness. The reason is simple: you cannot change what you have not named. How do you solve a problem that you don’t know exists? But if solving impossible problems were as easy as raising awareness there would be many more people in the Self Actualized level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
For some it takes a lifetime before understanding the root causes of their impossible problems. Others never manage more than a faint hint of understanding. These unlucky folks were often given too few tools and too many obstacles at too young of an age.
Many of the stories throughout this book are about making the right choice at the wrong time. Awareness comes but it’s too late. How many repentant murders are on death row[i]? How many divorcees wished they had their first marriage back? How many alcoholics wished they had not driven drunk after the accident?
Awareness alone is not enough. Nashville, my hometown, is awash with “coulda been a contenda” stories of failed entertainment careers. You can’t swing a vintage Martin D-45 in this town without hitting one incredible musician after another. Many potential stars with exceptional talent wash out because they were ill-equipped to beat their addiction or any number of other demons. As a result they checked out of the game too early. They never did the hard work to make themselves truly happy in the Aristotelian sense.
Academy Award winners Ben Affleck and Matt Damon wrote a poignant dialogue in their screenplay Good Will Hunting that captures the importance of seizing opportunities as they arise:
CHUCKIE
Look, you’re my best friend, so don’t take this the wrong way. In twenty years, if you’re still livin’ here, comin’ over to my house to watch the Patriots games, still workin’ construction, I’ll fuckin’ kill you. That’s not a threat. Now, that’s a fact. I’ll fuckin’ kill you.
WILL
What the fuck are you talkin’ about?
CHUCKIE
Look, you got somethin’ that none of us--
WILL
Oh, come on! Why is it always this, I mean, I fuckin’ owe it to myself to do this? What if I don’t want to?
CHUCKIE
Alright. No. No. No. Fuck you. You don’t owe it to yourself. You owe it to me. ‘Cause tomorrow I’m gonna wake up and I’ll be fifty and I’ll still be doing this shit. And that’s all right, that’s fine. I mean, you’re sittin’ on a winning lottery ticket and you’re too much of a pussy to cash it in. And that’s bullshit `cause I’d do anything to fuckin’ have what you got! So would any of these fuckin’ guys. It’d be an insult to us if you’re still here in twenty years. Hanging around here is a fuckin’ waste of your time.
WILL
You don’t know that.
CHUCKIE
I don’t?
WILL
No. You don’t know that.
CHUCKIE
Oh, I don’t know that. Let me tell you what I do know. Every day I come by to pick you up. And we go out we have a few drinks, and a few laughs and it’s great. But you know what the best part of my day is? It’s for about ten seconds from when I pull up to the curb to when I get to your door. Because I think maybe I’ll get up there and I’ll knock on the door and you won’t be there. No goodbye, no see you later, no nothin’. Just left. I don’t know much, but I know that.
The Arc of Self-Determination offers insight into the way the unconscious maneuvers back and forth between healthy and unhealthy responses to life. Our everyday problems are a dime a dozen. Easy come. Easy go. But the impossible problems, the ones that stick around for years and kick you in the face before your feet even hit the floor in the morning, are rooted in the unconscious realm. If the unconscious is the domain of impossible problems then the best chance for success is to meet them there.
For some it takes a lifetime before understanding the root causes of their impossible problems. Others never manage more than a faint hint of understanding. These unlucky folks were often given too few tools and too many obstacles at too young of an age.
Many of the stories throughout this book are about making the right choice at the wrong time. Awareness comes but it’s too late. How many repentant murders are on death row[i]? How many divorcees wished they had their first marriage back? How many alcoholics wished they had not driven drunk after the accident?
Awareness alone is not enough. Nashville, my hometown, is awash with “coulda been a contenda” stories of failed entertainment careers. You can’t swing a vintage Martin D-45 in this town without hitting one incredible musician after another. Many potential stars with exceptional talent wash out because they were ill-equipped to beat their addiction or any number of other demons. As a result they checked out of the game too early. They never did the hard work to make themselves truly happy in the Aristotelian sense.
Academy Award winners Ben Affleck and Matt Damon wrote a poignant dialogue in their screenplay Good Will Hunting that captures the importance of seizing opportunities as they arise:
CHUCKIE
Look, you’re my best friend, so don’t take this the wrong way. In twenty years, if you’re still livin’ here, comin’ over to my house to watch the Patriots games, still workin’ construction, I’ll fuckin’ kill you. That’s not a threat. Now, that’s a fact. I’ll fuckin’ kill you.
WILL
What the fuck are you talkin’ about?
CHUCKIE
Look, you got somethin’ that none of us--
WILL
Oh, come on! Why is it always this, I mean, I fuckin’ owe it to myself to do this? What if I don’t want to?
CHUCKIE
Alright. No. No. No. Fuck you. You don’t owe it to yourself. You owe it to me. ‘Cause tomorrow I’m gonna wake up and I’ll be fifty and I’ll still be doing this shit. And that’s all right, that’s fine. I mean, you’re sittin’ on a winning lottery ticket and you’re too much of a pussy to cash it in. And that’s bullshit `cause I’d do anything to fuckin’ have what you got! So would any of these fuckin’ guys. It’d be an insult to us if you’re still here in twenty years. Hanging around here is a fuckin’ waste of your time.
WILL
You don’t know that.
CHUCKIE
I don’t?
WILL
No. You don’t know that.
CHUCKIE
Oh, I don’t know that. Let me tell you what I do know. Every day I come by to pick you up. And we go out we have a few drinks, and a few laughs and it’s great. But you know what the best part of my day is? It’s for about ten seconds from when I pull up to the curb to when I get to your door. Because I think maybe I’ll get up there and I’ll knock on the door and you won’t be there. No goodbye, no see you later, no nothin’. Just left. I don’t know much, but I know that.
The Arc of Self-Determination offers insight into the way the unconscious maneuvers back and forth between healthy and unhealthy responses to life. Our everyday problems are a dime a dozen. Easy come. Easy go. But the impossible problems, the ones that stick around for years and kick you in the face before your feet even hit the floor in the morning, are rooted in the unconscious realm. If the unconscious is the domain of impossible problems then the best chance for success is to meet them there.
This vast unconscious network constantly gobbles up gigabytes of information every second. Its primary function is to analyze data, process the data through the internal filters of personality, attachment, etc., draw conclusions and transmit these fully vetted and integrated ideas to the conscious mind for action in the default world. Other activities in the unconscious realm include the perpetuation of instinctual drives that operate autonomously (e.g. heartbeat).
Most of the decisions we make fall into the category of Automatic Reactions. Many of these reactions took a lot of effort to learn initially but now run on autopilot streamlining life by minimizing the resources needed to process an action. Think how cumbersome it would be if we had to pause and have a conscious thought every time we threw a ball or washed our hands (e.g. lift my right hand, move forward, turn the silver knob, etc.).
For the most part the results of our Automatic Reactions are beneficial. Our daily work is an example of how this “automation” is helpful. When these Automatic Reactions works smoothly our unconscious sends the message that Life Is Good. This means each step in the process worked as predicted confirming our preconceived ideas. This information is stored away for future reference when the same or similar events occur we instinctively know how to respond. Our rewards are quick solutions to problems and a life that flows smoothly.
But what to do when the warning lights start blaring and buzzing on the control panel of your brain signaling a problem? This intuitive warning creates a tension telling us Something Isn’t Right, which results in a Pain Point or Suffering. Often this Suffering is a pregnant unknowing heralding the coming labor pains of some yet to be defined problem or challenge. It is difficult to sense something is wrong yet unable to identify the source. We can handle most of what life throws our way. We are resilient if nothing else. However, to be in the limbo state of not knowing is an agony all its own.
As we grow curious about our Suffering (as opposed to ignoring or suppressing it) it inevitably leads to greater and greater Awareness. As I have said before and I will say many times again – the solution to any problem you will ever have must start with awareness. This Awareness may start out as a very dim understanding like the lights on a high school baseball field that must first warm up before reaching full brightness
As we grow curious about our Suffering (as opposed to ignoring or suppressing it) it inevitably leads to greater and greater Awareness. As I have said before and I will say many times again – the solution to any problem you will ever have must start with awareness. This Awareness may start out as a very dim understanding like the lights on a high school baseball field that must first warm up before reaching full brightness
Once you become aware of the problem then you begin to Want Something Different. You want a solution. You want to mend the relationship with your parents. You want to get another job. You want to move to a city you have always dreamed of living. You know you need to breakup with your girlfriend because it isn’t healthy for either of you. However this new dawning awareness circles back around to . . . you guessed it – Suffering. You suffer because you want what you do not have and you do not yet know if you will be able to get what you want.
At any point in this process you have the choice to cut and run and return to your old Automatic Reactions (Yeah, the ones that caused these problems in the first place). This could mean you choose not to breakup with your girlfriend. You know it will cause her pain and she has threatened to kill herself if you end it. This could mean you withdraw emotionally back into your protective shell when you are around your parents instead of trying to build a bridge or confront them with the ways you feel they failed you. It could mean staying in your current job because finding a new job and moving to a new city is just too much work. These are the Automatic Reactions we mindlessly repeat. The problem with this strategy is that if you ignore your problems they don’t go away, they bypass the Life Is Good loop and careen headlong back into the familiar Something’s Not Right cycle.
At any point in this process you have the choice to cut and run and return to your old Automatic Reactions (Yeah, the ones that caused these problems in the first place). This could mean you choose not to breakup with your girlfriend. You know it will cause her pain and she has threatened to kill herself if you end it. This could mean you withdraw emotionally back into your protective shell when you are around your parents instead of trying to build a bridge or confront them with the ways you feel they failed you. It could mean staying in your current job because finding a new job and moving to a new city is just too much work. These are the Automatic Reactions we mindlessly repeat. The problem with this strategy is that if you ignore your problems they don’t go away, they bypass the Life Is Good loop and careen headlong back into the familiar Something’s Not Right cycle.
If you succeed in gaining Awareness that Something Isn’t Right and you realize you Want Something Different, the next step is to take action and Do Something Different. Here again you have many choices to make. There are many areas of life that require your attention on a regular basis from your finances to your health to your relationships. If you fail to act differently in any of these areas you go back into the Automatic Reaction cycle and repeat the process from the start. Here is where significant damage is done to your psyche. When you fail to act differently you repeat your Negative Loop. In this loop you avoid dealing with your problems and exile your fear and pain as far away from consciousness as possible. The problems still exists but they might as well be in another galaxy. Just because you no longer feel the discomfort of your problems doesn’t mean they no longer exist. They have simply descended to the unconscious realm. Here they clandestinely influence both your body and brain. This unhealthy way of dealing with problems creates anxiety, depression, despair, and hopelessness. If left unattended they eventually lead to addiction and in extreme cases suicidal ideation. When you ignore or repress these and other symptoms you are overlooking the very clues that could lead you out of the dark forest of confusion.
When you ignore your loneliness and say no to a trip with friends there is no way of knowing what you missed. When you do not end unhealthy relationships you take yourself out of the dating pool and miss meeting new people that may be better suited for you. You cannot know what you do not know.
If you find the courage to take action and Do Something Different it sends you directly into more Suffering. You may be noticing a pattern emerging that whatever route you take will lead you back to Suffering. The Buddha was right. It does not matter if you are wealthy or living paycheck to paycheck. It doesn’t matter if you are famous or unknown -- life is suffering. But not all Suffering is equal. Mindless suffering that we endure out of our fear or ignorance is painful. It seems pointless and leads to despair and hopelessness. But mindful intentional Suffering has a noble purpose. This type of Suffering becomes sacred. Sacred Suffering is the obstacle by which our character is strengthened and forward progress in our lives achieved. Our Suffering becomes if not a friend at least a worthy peer to be embraced because we eventually learn that this particular type of Suffering, which none of us want, is actually the path that will lead us to the destination we so desperately seek.
As we learn to suffer well what we find is growth and happiness. This is Aristotle’s Good Life. In the Good Life we are soul searching. Through the affliction of difficulties we discover ourselves in new, fascinating ways. We are breaking through old limitations and tapping new potential we didn’t realize we possessed. Life’s tragedies become our training preparing us for the next obstacle. Our reward for all the hard work we are doing to achieve lasting happiness is more hard work but it is hard work with a purpose.
Often we are tasked with exerting intentional action in many areas of life all at once. We are constantly bombarded with demands from twelve primary domains of life: marriage, parenting, profession, finances, family, sexuality, addiction, spirituality, mental health, physical health, friendship/community, and healthy boundaries. If we are struggling professionally, it will inevitably impact our marriage, which has an effect on our physical and mental health. The last thing we feel like doing when depressed and stressed about money is have sex. There is a cascade effect that works both ways. That is why it is critically important to maintain our mental health with the same regularity as we maintain our dental care. One healthy decision after another is stacking. One unhealthy decision after another is drifting. This universal law was distilled with great eloquence and simplicity by Steven Gaskin the founder of The Farm commune in Summertown, Tennessee when he taught, “Whatever you focus on will prosper.”
When you ignore your loneliness and say no to a trip with friends there is no way of knowing what you missed. When you do not end unhealthy relationships you take yourself out of the dating pool and miss meeting new people that may be better suited for you. You cannot know what you do not know.
If you find the courage to take action and Do Something Different it sends you directly into more Suffering. You may be noticing a pattern emerging that whatever route you take will lead you back to Suffering. The Buddha was right. It does not matter if you are wealthy or living paycheck to paycheck. It doesn’t matter if you are famous or unknown -- life is suffering. But not all Suffering is equal. Mindless suffering that we endure out of our fear or ignorance is painful. It seems pointless and leads to despair and hopelessness. But mindful intentional Suffering has a noble purpose. This type of Suffering becomes sacred. Sacred Suffering is the obstacle by which our character is strengthened and forward progress in our lives achieved. Our Suffering becomes if not a friend at least a worthy peer to be embraced because we eventually learn that this particular type of Suffering, which none of us want, is actually the path that will lead us to the destination we so desperately seek.
As we learn to suffer well what we find is growth and happiness. This is Aristotle’s Good Life. In the Good Life we are soul searching. Through the affliction of difficulties we discover ourselves in new, fascinating ways. We are breaking through old limitations and tapping new potential we didn’t realize we possessed. Life’s tragedies become our training preparing us for the next obstacle. Our reward for all the hard work we are doing to achieve lasting happiness is more hard work but it is hard work with a purpose.
Often we are tasked with exerting intentional action in many areas of life all at once. We are constantly bombarded with demands from twelve primary domains of life: marriage, parenting, profession, finances, family, sexuality, addiction, spirituality, mental health, physical health, friendship/community, and healthy boundaries. If we are struggling professionally, it will inevitably impact our marriage, which has an effect on our physical and mental health. The last thing we feel like doing when depressed and stressed about money is have sex. There is a cascade effect that works both ways. That is why it is critically important to maintain our mental health with the same regularity as we maintain our dental care. One healthy decision after another is stacking. One unhealthy decision after another is drifting. This universal law was distilled with great eloquence and simplicity by Steven Gaskin the founder of The Farm commune in Summertown, Tennessee when he taught, “Whatever you focus on will prosper.”
As you Do Something Different by successfully avoiding old patterns and unproductive mistakes your system gets a much-needed boost. It is true that your efforts of challenging old habits will require you to suffer but the great reward for Sacred Suffering is Positive Growth and Happiness. As you make better decisions rooted in the present, not the past, you create New Automatic Reactions that are healthy and constructive. Before you know it you are once again enjoying your relationships, satisfied with your work, and developing creative, fun ways of coping with stress. You are invigorated by life not burned out. You are facing your fears. This new life is exciting. It is filled with anticipation of what is around the next corner (a proposition which previously caused dread). By regaining control of your life your heart, mind and soul are imbued with confidence, compassion, courage, clarity, connectedness, creativity, calmness and curiosity.
[i] https://www.tdcj.state.tx.us/death_row/dr_executed_offenders.html
[i] https://www.tdcj.state.tx.us/death_row/dr_executed_offenders.html
THE FOOTSTOOL AND THE CLOCK TOWER
When I begin working with a new client it is imperative they understand my therapeutic framework. These are my beliefs about how our brain works based on three particular psychological theories. These are what I base my moment-to-moment judgments and decisions on in each session. I call this my Self-Discovery Triad. This triad takes complex mental processes and behavior and categorizes them into manageable concepts.
The entirety of life is filtered through one, single organ – the brain. As we begin to decipher the mysteries of personality, attachment and parts we gain a tremendous advantage. This advantage helps us maneuver through challenges with greater self-awareness. We are less likely to trip on stones in our path if we see them in advance.
To simplify the explanation for new clients I draw a crude picture of a footstool on my yellow legal pad and hold it up for them to see. I start with an overview:
The entirety of life is filtered through one, single organ – the brain. As we begin to decipher the mysteries of personality, attachment and parts we gain a tremendous advantage. This advantage helps us maneuver through challenges with greater self-awareness. We are less likely to trip on stones in our path if we see them in advance.
To simplify the explanation for new clients I draw a crude picture of a footstool on my yellow legal pad and hold it up for them to see. I start with an overview:
- The first leg represents the Enneagram personality system
- The second leg represents Adult Attachment
- The third leg represents Internal Family System
- The braces connecting the legs represent mindfulness and gratitude
- The top of the stool where one would sit or stand represent spirituality
In this chapter are assessments that will help you identify your Enneagram personality type and attachment style. Following these is an overview of Internal Family Systems, which explains the concept of multiplicity or “parts” as well as an introduction to the concept of your True Self.
At the end of this book there is a detailed bibliography for the Enneagram, Adult Attachment and Internal Family Systems. The information in this chapter is intended as an overview. These three systems have been researched and tested over decades by researchers and clinicians. To study any of these models in depth would take years before fully comprehending their wisdom. The assessments you will take are a great place to start but think of them as the starting gun at the beginning of a marathon.
enneagram
Imagine yourself a young teenage boy who lived a thousand years ago. You are part of a medium sized tribe of nearly one thousand other people. Your father is a skilled hunter and tanner. Your mother weaves baskets, tools and clothing from the hides of the animals he kills. As for you, you are tall and strong – a good head and shoulders above the other children your age. You are liked by your peers and have a calm but confident disposition even for your young age. You rarely squabble with your four brothers and three sisters.
One day the chief of the tribe comes to visit your wigwam. Your parents invite him in and you notice they are honored yet frightened. They understand his power as they have seen him deal fairly but harshly with wayward members. As is the tradition with these types of meetings you and all of your brothers and sisters sit around the chief as the parents make his meal. Once the chief and all the children are served the parents take their place standing behind their children. Everyone knows the chief is evaluating each child for future roles in the tribe.
The chief begins by asking the youngest children what they most enjoy eating and which games they like playing. Next he asks the parents if they are having trouble with any of the children and if any of the children are sick. Your father speaks plainly and honestly with the chief knowing false or misleading statements are not tolerated.
Suddenly the chief turns to you and asks a very pointed question, “I need your help settling a dispute?” You are frightened by the sudden, unexpected attention but hide your fear. “Anything you ask Chief.”
“As you know there were two friends arguing over a girl that resulted in a fight. The one young man struck the other with a stone hammer. As a result he may die soon. What do you think the punishment for the young man who struck his friend should be?”
Your parents stiffen and you see they are anxious to hear your response. You heard rumors of the incident the day before and were very sad to hear about the events. You were not close friends to either as they were older than you.
“Chief,” you respond quickly, “the penalty in our tribe for murder is death unless for reasons of self-defense. However, since he is not dead yet any decision about the offender’s fate should be put off until the fate of the other young man is known. Also, we should not forget that there are not two but three families that are grieving here, the two boy’s families and the young girl who may feel partially responsible. We must make it a priority to care for them as this terrible situation may result in a great disturbance in our tribe and create enemies where enemies did not exist before. Finally,” you end your comments to the Chief, “I do not have enough information to make a reasonable judgment on what should or should not be done. I know you are a fair and just leader. I also know that you have very difficult decisions to make. Sometimes there are no good options.”
As soon as you finish talking you look to your parents for approval or disapproval. Your mother is smiling. Your father gives you a nod of confidence.
The Chief stares at you for several long beats not giving anything away about how he feels about your response. He takes a deep breath and you feel your feet and hands go numb.
“You are correct that you do not have enough information to make a wise decision. Come take a walk with me after this meal and I will discuss this issue with you further.” The Chief picks up his bowl and begins eating. This signals the end of the discussion. Everyone in the family follows suit.
Later, after the sun has set and the rest of the family is asleep you and your father sit in silence around the fire. You both know you are being groomed to be the next chief of the tribe. How does the Chief come to his conclusions about whom to bestow his blessing on in the tribe?
This Chief and many other’s like him had some form of what today we call “personality assessment tools” to make good personnel decisions. Corporations use a battery of psychological assessments to determine who is good for what position. However, a thousand years ago tribes didn’t have human resource departments to catalogue each member of the tribe and their unique skills and talents. Much of the heavy lifting of decision-making was on the leader or small council. Imagine if there were a system passed down from generation to generation of how to understand who would make a good warrior, priest, chef, architect, and woodworker. Wouldn’t this be invaluable for leaders?
✳
The precise origins of the Enneagram are unknown. However, there are some tantalizing clues as to its history as well as a solid foundation for its more recent past.
Due to the mysterious uniformity and complexity of the Enneagram symbol some have posited that its origins can be traced to sacred geometry and mystical mathematics. Throughout history there have been philosophical and religious teachings focused on nine types including philosopher and mystic Plotinus referring to the nine human virtues in his seminal work The Enneads. Imbedded in the Jewish mystical tradition Kabbalah is a creation story whereby the universe was created out of the ten aspects of God. However, God wanted to see his own creation and withdrew into his own being leaving nine aspects of God to create the world. In the Sufi tradition there exists symbols similar to the Enneagram. Specifically the Naqshbandi Aliya teachings of The Levels of the Heart and The 9 Lataif, which includes the 9 States of Humanity.
In Christianity Franciscan mystic Ramon Llull spent 9 years in solitude before teaching a nine principled philosophy attempting to reconcile various faith traditions with each other. Jesuit mathematician Athanasius Kircher created a symbol for a 17th century text that is similar in design to the Enneagram.
While these philosophies and theologies are man’s attempts to understand himself and God, the true source of how the Enneagram came into being is shrouded in mystery. What is known is that Russian mystic and teacher George Gurdjieff possibly first learned of the Enneagram in an Afghan monastery though there are very few facts to base the origins prior to this event.
In the 1960’s Oscar Ichazo taught something he called Protoanalysis of which the Enneagram played a prominent part. Through Ichazo Claudia Naranjo, a Chilean psychiatrist learned of the Enneagram and began teaching it himself. He passed the tradition along to Jesuit Bob Ochs who introduced the concept to Christian communities in the United States. Among them were Don Riso and Ross Hudson of The Enneagram Institute.
✳
Below is the simple 6 paragraph QUEST (Quick Enneagram Sorting Test) assessment developed by Don Riso and Ross Hudson. For each paragraph below rank them in order of #1 – most like you, #2 – second most like you, and #3 – third most like you. Do this for Group 1 (A, B, C) and then again for Group 2 (X, Y, Z). When you are finished match up the most like you in Group 1 to the most like you in Group 2. Do the same for the second most like you and the third. Then use the key to find your first, second and third most likely Enneagram personality type.
GROUP 1
#___ A) I have tended to be fairly independent and assertive: I’ve felt
that life works best when you meet it head-on. I set my own
goals, get involved, and want to make things happen. I don’t like sitting
around—I want to achieve something big and have an
impact. I don’t necessarily seek confrontations, but I don’t let
people push me around, either. Most of the time, I know what I
want, and I go for it. I tend to work hard and to play hard.
#___ B) I have tended to be quiet and am used to being on my own.
I usually don’t draw much attention to myself socially, and it’s
Weight: generally unusual for me to assert myself all that forcefully.
I don’t feel comfortable taking the lead or being as competitive as
others. Many would probably say that I’m something of a
dreamer—a lot of my excitement goes on in my imagination. I
can be quite content without feeling I have to be active all the
time.
#___ C) I have tended to be extremely responsible and dedicated.
I feel terrible if I don’t keep my commitments and do what’s
expected of me. I want people to know that I’m there for them
and that I’ll do what I believe is best for them. I’ve often made
great personal sacrifices for the sake of others, whether they know
it or not. I often don’t take adequate care of myself—I do the
work that needs to be done and relax (and do what I want) if
there’s time left.
GROUP 2
#___X) I am a person who usually maintains a positive outlook and
feels that things will work out for the best. I can usually find
something to be enthusiastic about and different ways to occupy
myself. I like being around people and helping others be happy--
I enjoy sharing my own well-being with them. (I don’t always
feel great, but I generally try not to show it!) However, keeping a
positive frame of mind has sometimes meant that I’ve put off
dealing with my own problems for too long.
#___Y) I am a person who has strong feelings about things—most
people can tell when I’m upset about something. I can be guarded
with people, but I’m more sensitive than I let on. I want to know
where I stand with others and who and what I can count on—it’s
pretty clear to most people where they stand with me. When I’m
upset about something, I want others to respond and to get as
worked up as I am. I know the rules, but I don’t want people
telling me what to do. I want to decide for myself.
#___ Z) I am a person who is self-controlled and logical—I don’t like
revealing my feelings or getting bogged down in them. I am
efficient—even perfectionistic—about my work, and prefer
working on my own. If there are problems or personal conflicts, I
try not to let my feelings influence my actions. Some say I’m too
cool and detached, but I don’t want my private reactions to
distract me from what’s really important. I’m glad that I usually don’t
show my reactions when others “get to me”.
Imagine yourself a young teenage boy who lived a thousand years ago. You are part of a medium sized tribe of nearly one thousand other people. Your father is a skilled hunter and tanner. Your mother weaves baskets, tools and clothing from the hides of the animals he kills. As for you, you are tall and strong – a good head and shoulders above the other children your age. You are liked by your peers and have a calm but confident disposition even for your young age. You rarely squabble with your four brothers and three sisters.
One day the chief of the tribe comes to visit your wigwam. Your parents invite him in and you notice they are honored yet frightened. They understand his power as they have seen him deal fairly but harshly with wayward members. As is the tradition with these types of meetings you and all of your brothers and sisters sit around the chief as the parents make his meal. Once the chief and all the children are served the parents take their place standing behind their children. Everyone knows the chief is evaluating each child for future roles in the tribe.
The chief begins by asking the youngest children what they most enjoy eating and which games they like playing. Next he asks the parents if they are having trouble with any of the children and if any of the children are sick. Your father speaks plainly and honestly with the chief knowing false or misleading statements are not tolerated.
Suddenly the chief turns to you and asks a very pointed question, “I need your help settling a dispute?” You are frightened by the sudden, unexpected attention but hide your fear. “Anything you ask Chief.”
“As you know there were two friends arguing over a girl that resulted in a fight. The one young man struck the other with a stone hammer. As a result he may die soon. What do you think the punishment for the young man who struck his friend should be?”
Your parents stiffen and you see they are anxious to hear your response. You heard rumors of the incident the day before and were very sad to hear about the events. You were not close friends to either as they were older than you.
“Chief,” you respond quickly, “the penalty in our tribe for murder is death unless for reasons of self-defense. However, since he is not dead yet any decision about the offender’s fate should be put off until the fate of the other young man is known. Also, we should not forget that there are not two but three families that are grieving here, the two boy’s families and the young girl who may feel partially responsible. We must make it a priority to care for them as this terrible situation may result in a great disturbance in our tribe and create enemies where enemies did not exist before. Finally,” you end your comments to the Chief, “I do not have enough information to make a reasonable judgment on what should or should not be done. I know you are a fair and just leader. I also know that you have very difficult decisions to make. Sometimes there are no good options.”
As soon as you finish talking you look to your parents for approval or disapproval. Your mother is smiling. Your father gives you a nod of confidence.
The Chief stares at you for several long beats not giving anything away about how he feels about your response. He takes a deep breath and you feel your feet and hands go numb.
“You are correct that you do not have enough information to make a wise decision. Come take a walk with me after this meal and I will discuss this issue with you further.” The Chief picks up his bowl and begins eating. This signals the end of the discussion. Everyone in the family follows suit.
Later, after the sun has set and the rest of the family is asleep you and your father sit in silence around the fire. You both know you are being groomed to be the next chief of the tribe. How does the Chief come to his conclusions about whom to bestow his blessing on in the tribe?
This Chief and many other’s like him had some form of what today we call “personality assessment tools” to make good personnel decisions. Corporations use a battery of psychological assessments to determine who is good for what position. However, a thousand years ago tribes didn’t have human resource departments to catalogue each member of the tribe and their unique skills and talents. Much of the heavy lifting of decision-making was on the leader or small council. Imagine if there were a system passed down from generation to generation of how to understand who would make a good warrior, priest, chef, architect, and woodworker. Wouldn’t this be invaluable for leaders?
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The precise origins of the Enneagram are unknown. However, there are some tantalizing clues as to its history as well as a solid foundation for its more recent past.
Due to the mysterious uniformity and complexity of the Enneagram symbol some have posited that its origins can be traced to sacred geometry and mystical mathematics. Throughout history there have been philosophical and religious teachings focused on nine types including philosopher and mystic Plotinus referring to the nine human virtues in his seminal work The Enneads. Imbedded in the Jewish mystical tradition Kabbalah is a creation story whereby the universe was created out of the ten aspects of God. However, God wanted to see his own creation and withdrew into his own being leaving nine aspects of God to create the world. In the Sufi tradition there exists symbols similar to the Enneagram. Specifically the Naqshbandi Aliya teachings of The Levels of the Heart and The 9 Lataif, which includes the 9 States of Humanity.
In Christianity Franciscan mystic Ramon Llull spent 9 years in solitude before teaching a nine principled philosophy attempting to reconcile various faith traditions with each other. Jesuit mathematician Athanasius Kircher created a symbol for a 17th century text that is similar in design to the Enneagram.
While these philosophies and theologies are man’s attempts to understand himself and God, the true source of how the Enneagram came into being is shrouded in mystery. What is known is that Russian mystic and teacher George Gurdjieff possibly first learned of the Enneagram in an Afghan monastery though there are very few facts to base the origins prior to this event.
In the 1960’s Oscar Ichazo taught something he called Protoanalysis of which the Enneagram played a prominent part. Through Ichazo Claudia Naranjo, a Chilean psychiatrist learned of the Enneagram and began teaching it himself. He passed the tradition along to Jesuit Bob Ochs who introduced the concept to Christian communities in the United States. Among them were Don Riso and Ross Hudson of The Enneagram Institute.
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Below is the simple 6 paragraph QUEST (Quick Enneagram Sorting Test) assessment developed by Don Riso and Ross Hudson. For each paragraph below rank them in order of #1 – most like you, #2 – second most like you, and #3 – third most like you. Do this for Group 1 (A, B, C) and then again for Group 2 (X, Y, Z). When you are finished match up the most like you in Group 1 to the most like you in Group 2. Do the same for the second most like you and the third. Then use the key to find your first, second and third most likely Enneagram personality type.
GROUP 1
#___ A) I have tended to be fairly independent and assertive: I’ve felt
that life works best when you meet it head-on. I set my own
goals, get involved, and want to make things happen. I don’t like sitting
around—I want to achieve something big and have an
impact. I don’t necessarily seek confrontations, but I don’t let
people push me around, either. Most of the time, I know what I
want, and I go for it. I tend to work hard and to play hard.
#___ B) I have tended to be quiet and am used to being on my own.
I usually don’t draw much attention to myself socially, and it’s
Weight: generally unusual for me to assert myself all that forcefully.
I don’t feel comfortable taking the lead or being as competitive as
others. Many would probably say that I’m something of a
dreamer—a lot of my excitement goes on in my imagination. I
can be quite content without feeling I have to be active all the
time.
#___ C) I have tended to be extremely responsible and dedicated.
I feel terrible if I don’t keep my commitments and do what’s
expected of me. I want people to know that I’m there for them
and that I’ll do what I believe is best for them. I’ve often made
great personal sacrifices for the sake of others, whether they know
it or not. I often don’t take adequate care of myself—I do the
work that needs to be done and relax (and do what I want) if
there’s time left.
GROUP 2
#___X) I am a person who usually maintains a positive outlook and
feels that things will work out for the best. I can usually find
something to be enthusiastic about and different ways to occupy
myself. I like being around people and helping others be happy--
I enjoy sharing my own well-being with them. (I don’t always
feel great, but I generally try not to show it!) However, keeping a
positive frame of mind has sometimes meant that I’ve put off
dealing with my own problems for too long.
#___Y) I am a person who has strong feelings about things—most
people can tell when I’m upset about something. I can be guarded
with people, but I’m more sensitive than I let on. I want to know
where I stand with others and who and what I can count on—it’s
pretty clear to most people where they stand with me. When I’m
upset about something, I want others to respond and to get as
worked up as I am. I know the rules, but I don’t want people
telling me what to do. I want to decide for myself.
#___ Z) I am a person who is self-controlled and logical—I don’t like
revealing my feelings or getting bogged down in them. I am
efficient—even perfectionistic—about my work, and prefer
working on my own. If there are problems or personal conflicts, I
try not to let my feelings influence my actions. Some say I’m too
cool and detached, but I don’t want my private reactions to
distract me from what’s really important. I’m glad that I usually don’t
show my reactions when others “get to me”.
Here are brief descriptions of each type:
TYPE 1 – THE PERFECTIONIST
Also known as The Reformer. The principled, idealistic type. Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. They typically have problems with resentment and impatience. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. Can be morally heroic.
TYPE 2 – THE HELPER
Also known as The Caretaker. The caring, interpersonal type. Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.
TYPE 3 – THE ACHIEVER
The adaptable, success-oriented type. Threes are self-assured, attractive, and charming. Ambitious, competent, and energetic, they can also be status-conscious and highly driven for advancement. They are diplomatic and poised, but can also be overly concerned with their image and what others think of them. They typically have problems with work-a-holism and competitiveness. At their Best: self-accepting, authentic, everything they seem to be—role models who inspire others.
TYPE 4 – THE INDIVIDUALIST
The introspective, romantic type. Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.
TYPE 5 – THE INVESTIGATOR
The perceptive, cerebral type. Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism, and isolation. At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.
TYPE 6 – THE LOYALIST
The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent “troubleshooters,” they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.
TYPE 7 – THE ENTHUSIAST
The busy, productive type. Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.
TYPE 8 – THE CHALLENGER
The powerful, aggressive type. Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable. At their Best: self-mastering, they use their strength to improve others’ lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring.
TYPE 9 – THE PEACEMAKER
The easy-going, self-effacing type. Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually grounded, supportive, and often creative, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they can also tend to be complacent and emotionally distant, simplifying problems and ignoring anything upsetting. They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness. At their Best: indomitable and all-embracing, they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.
instincts
In my opinion what makes the Enneagram so robust and superior to other personality systems, are the variety and depth of the secondary features that undergird the main “number” or personality type. Here is a list of some of the secondary features for your own research: wings, levels of health, direction of disintegration, direction of integration, harmonics, instinctual/feeling/thinking centers, and instinctual variants.
Three of the secondary features to be explored will help form your S.T.A.R. insignia. These are the instinctual variants of sexual, social (aka one-to-one bonding) and self-preservation, direction of integration and disintegration, and wings.
Typically, of the three basic instincts two are strengths that might alternate given the context of a situation while the third is typically a blind spot. It is helpful if we think about the three instincts in terms of how developed and comfortable we are with each instinct. In reality each of us has all three to some degree. We all have a self-preservation instinct. That’s why we lock our doors at night or hold our child’s hand when walking across a busy street. In the same way we are all social creatures. We need each other to function most effectively. As we will see in a future chapter, those isolated from the herd do not fare well and on average die prematurely. Finally, we all have a need for one-to-one bonding. We want to have meaningful relationships with others that enrich our lives.
Beatrice Chestnut explains in her book The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge:
Grouped according to their centers, the personality types and the connecting lines between them draw the figure of the ancient mystical symbol that is the Enneagram diagram. Beyond the three centers and the nine types is a third level of depth that divides each of the nine Enneagram types into three distinct sub-personalities, or “subtypes,” based on the relative emphasis of three basic instincts. The resulting twenty-seven subtypes are unique personality types based on how each of the nine types are shaped by the three most central instinctual drives that we all share.
To get a better idea of how these instincts look in the wild let’s use a simple example of three friends at a party.
The first friend’s primary instinct is sexual/one-to-one bonding. When she arrives at the party she slowly mingles, getting a glass of wine and taking in the crowd. She may chat with friends or even strangers but she is more interested in having a personal experience with one other person or maybe a small group. Once she finds this person or persons she will most likely spend the majority of the evening in this conversation. She thrives on the energy created by deep connection to another person. This connection could be someone she knows well or a stranger.
The second friend has a high self-preservation instinct. He is on guard as soon as he walks in the door. Unlike his one-to-one friend his initial instinct, which he is most likely not even aware of, is scanning for situations that make him feel safe (e.g. friends he knows) and watching out for threats (e.g. obnoxious drunk guy). Outwardly he is calm and inwardly he may feel relaxed but he never stops scanning for potential danger. If anyone starts to get out of hand at the party he will be one of the first to notice.
The third friend has a high social instinct. She may be the life of the party or a social butterfly that flits about the room saying hello and making everyone feel welcome. She wants to connect with as many people as possible at the party and therefore cannot get too bogged down in a long conversation with one person. This is the friend that will want to go to the after party and drags her other self-pres. and sexual friends along with her.
direction of integration vs. disintegration
In a perfect world we all possess the best qualities of each other personality type. This full-spectrum awareness may or may not be achievable in reality but the Enneagram does make allowances for how our growth and regression can mimic qualities inherent in other types.
If you look closely at the Enneagram symbol you will notice there are two lines connecting each number to two other numbers. The line with the arrow pointing away from your primary number is called your Direction of Integration. The line with the arrow coming toward your number is called your Direction of Disintegration.
When moving in the Direction of Integration you take on the best qualities of that number. It takes intentional effort to move toward your area of growth and is a map for living The Good Life.
When moving in the Direction of Disintegration you take on the unhealthy attributes of how that number acts when under stress. It takes little to no effort to move in the direction of disintegration.
wings
You are not simply one pure “number” on the Enneagram. There are many influential secondary factors that color the expression of each person’s unique personality. One of those factors are what are known as wings. The Enneagram is illustrated as a circular figure. On the left and right side of each number are two additional numbers. For example, if you look at the diagram above the #9 has an #8 and #1 as its wings.
The wings compliment the primary personality but can also bring in a paradoxical element. The wings provide an explanation of our more nuanced qualities in different situations. For example, when a typically peaceful #9 finally gets fed up with being taken advantage of by their domineering romantic partner they can draw on their more aggressive #8 wing to confront their agitator. This contradictory style to their typical way of living is a healthy expression of anger which #9’s often eschew because it requires so much energy. Conversely, when called upon to complete a highly complex task at work laidback #9’s can turn on the perfectionistic proclivities of their #1 wing that draw on their penchant for order and precision.
As with most things in life there are very few rules when it comes to wings. One person may have an equal distribution of influence by each wing while another person may be dominantly one wing or another. Another person may not be able to access their less dominant wing unless they are in an altered state of consciousness that lessens their inhibitions (e.g. slightly intoxicated).
attachment
John Bowlby is the father of attachment theory. His study of infant’s “protest behavior” (e.g. screaming, crying, etc.) when separated from their “attachment figure” (e.g. parent or primary caregiver) was the basis for this field of study. Bowlby’s colleague Mary Ainsworth began systematically studying the parent-child bond that sparked a deeper understanding of the individual differences in how people attach to one another. Ainsworth created something called the Strange Situation Test. R. Chris Frayley writes in his research paper, A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research:
In the strange situation, 12-month-old infants and their parents are brought to the laboratory and, systematically, separated from and reunited with one another. In the strange situation, most children (i.e., about 60%) behave in the way implied by Bowlby’s “normative” theory. They become upset when the parent leaves the room, but, when he or she returns, they actively seek the parent and are easily comforted by him or her. Children who exhibit this pattern of behavior are often called SECURE.
Other children (about 20% or less) are ill-at-ease initially, and, upon separation, become extremely distressed. Importantly, when reunited with their parents, these children have a difficult time being soothed, and often exhibit conflicting behaviors that suggest they want to be comforted, but that they also want to “punish” the parent for leaving. These children are often called ANXIOUS.
The third pattern of attachment that Ainsworth and her colleagues documented is called AVOIDANT. Avoidant children (about 20%) don’t appear too distressed by the separation, and, upon reunion, actively avoid seeking contact with their parent, sometimes turning their attention to play objects on the laboratory floor.
One point to note about AVOIDANTLY attached children in the study. Sensors were attached to measure heart rate and other biometric data. The interesting discovery was that while outwardly they did not appear to be showing symptoms of anxiety due to the separation, internally they were having the same biological stress responses as the ANXIOUSLY attached children but weren’t showing it.
This is an important finding as it substantiates the idea that while ANXIOUSLY attached individuals protest and perseverate on relationships, AVOIDANTLY attached individuals suppress their true feelings. This disconnection between feeling and behavior creates a dissonance that often leaves the partners of AVOIDANTLY attached individuals in the dark about what is happening and why.
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Below are three paragraphs describing the three main types of adult attachment. As noted previously those three types are: secure, anxious and avoidant. When reading each paragraph think about how your current or past partners would describe you in the relationship. How would your mother and father describe you as a child? How would you friends rate your level of availability to them and your willingness to engage in personally meaningful conversations?
anxious
You are known for being very close with your romantic partners physically and emotionally. However, many times your partners find your behavior “clingy” or “needy”. One of your fears is that your partner does not want to be as close to you as you want to be to them. Due to this uncertainty about your relationships you spend a lot of time and emotional energy thinking about ways to head off potential problems. You are so tuned into your relationships you sometimes tend to be highly sensitive to your partner’s moods or behaviors. If they do not text you back within a relatively short period of time you begin to wonder what is wrong or what you may have done to upset them. This ruminating behavior can cause you to bombard the other person with texts demanding, “Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with?” These types of behaviors tend to push people away (especially avoidantly attached partners) when what you intend is to draw them closer. When someone shows you ongoing attention and respects your need for closeness you begin to relax and not worry so much about the state of the relationship.
avoidant
Your independence is your main priority whether it is a friendship, romantic relationship or professional affiliation. You desire to be close to others but being too close too often makes you uncomfortable. When you feel too much pressure for intimacy (physical or emotional) you often react by pushing other’s away and keeping others at arm’s length. In romantic relationships you don’t spend much time worrying about the relationship or being rejected. However, you are not a robot and desire deep connection with those you care about. The difficulty comes when you do not express your feelings in the moment when you feel the need to withdraw from others for your own benefit. This secret desire creates confusion with those closest to you as they feel they have done something to cause you to want to pull away. As a result, your partner’s often complain about you being emotionally distant.
secure
Deeply connected relationships come easily to securely attached individuals. They give of themselves freely without living in constant fear of being taken advantage of by those they care about or abandoned. When they are tired, hungry, angry, stressed or overwhelmed they have no problem sharing their feelings and asking for what they need. Securely attached individuals enjoy sharing the good times as well as the bad with their loved ones. They value being there for their partners in times of need and expect their partners to be there for them.
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Many clients return angry to their next session after learning about their attachment style and that of their partner. They lament, “If only we had known this information a year ago we could have saved ourselves a lot of unnecessary suffering and avoided so many problems in our relationship!” Truer words have never been spoken.
Understanding how we attach to others can change the entire conversation around relationships. However, attachment has a particular usefulness in terms of romantic relationships. How we attach to others is not good or bad. It is what it is – like the color of your eyes. In the same way we need to see our attachment style and therefore our needs around security, intimacy and availability as a fundamental part of who we are. Once we grasp this idea we can then begin to look at romantic relationships differently. We can ask the more intelligent question, “Can this other person I’m dating meet my needs?” This is in stark contrast to the more typical and often unspoken question we ask ourselves, “How can I become what this other person wants me to be?”
Once you determine your attachment style, and that of your partner if you are dating or married, you can begin putting the pieces of you self-discovery map together. Each of these points stacked one on top of the other build a sturdy foundation for understanding who you are. As you learn how your unconscious influences your behaviors, you can navigate life in a new, different, and better way.
internal family systems
Returning to the footstool analogy, the third leg represents Internal Family Systems (IFS). A later chapter will discuss IFS in more detail but for now here is a brief synopsis of the elements of multiplicity of the mind.
As poet Walt Whitman observed, “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.” The idea of one person having multiple internal structures can be traced back to ancient Greece when Plato described the soul (psyche) as having three distinct parts: Logos (rationality), Eros (erotic love) and Thymus (desire). Sigmund Freud believed our minds were constructed of an id, ego and superego. Many of Shakespeare’s characters like Hamlet and Macbeth would engage in arguments with different parts of themselves. Italian psychologist Roberto Assagioli developed an approach called psychosynthesis in which he describes “subpersonalities”. All of these dynamic approaches to understanding the mind are woven together with the same golden thread that we are not one monolithic personality. Rather we are made of many different ‘parts’ or subpersonalities.
One primary goal of IFS work is to help explore our vast array of parts as well as the Self. Once we, as an autonomous rational being, gain an understanding of our many different parts we can tend to them much like parents tend to their children. We can listen to each part with curiosity, care for each part with compassion and help each part face their fears with courage. We can help parts solve impossible problems through creative solutions. All of these actions bring a calm mood to the whole person that the True Self, as I refer to it, cares about each part and is in control. This benevolent leadership brings healing to the wounded parts and confidence to trust the True Self.
The Self is an essential essence or energy present in each of us. Christians might refer to this as the soul. Hindus call this force atman. Muslims call it rūh. It is distinct from parts and is intended to be the leader of all the parts. This universal guiding force expresses love to all parts through Self Energy. Self Energy is summarized in the 8 C’s of compassion, calm, curiosity, connected, clarity, creativity, confidence and courage. IFS calls the practice of extending Self Energy to your parts is called Self Leadership.
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I use the analogy of a footstool with clients because it is easy for me to draw and easy for clients to understand. But the reality is that the inner workings of our minds are more analogous to Big Ben, the clock tower in London, England, than a simple footstool.
The clock stands 316’ tall. On the outside is its enormous face that passersby gaze upwards to admire and check the time but behind the ornamental clock face are highly complex mechanisms. These gears and pulleys work in unison to keep the big hand in sync with the little hand and the bells chiming at just the right moment.
These systems are so finely tuned that when the time of the massive timepiece gets out of sync with Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) all the clock keeper must do to bring the time back into alignment is place a single penny or two on either side of the enormous 13’ pendulum. Not surprisingly your collection of internal subconscious systems, while vast and powerful like Big Ben, are also highly sensitive to slight changes in mood, biology, health, circumstances, news, the environment and countless other variables some of which are in your control and some not.
Just as tourists cannot see the internal mechanisms of Big Ben neither can you or anyone else see your own unconscious systems at work . . . that is until you expend a little effort to pay attention to them. Once you are aware that you have a unique personality that falls broadly into the nine categories of the Enneagram you can see how you are programmed by your biology to act and react in particular ways. You can predict those patterns and through greater awareness exert a positive influence that can bring about the desired changes and maturity you seek.
The same is true for your attachment system. Once you become aware that you inevitably attach to others in a predictable, yet unconscious, pattern you can begin to exert influence and dictate to others how your needs are important. If the other person cannot meet your needs this doesn’t mean they are a bad person. Neither does it mean you need to spend your precious time and energy trying to convince them to act in ways they do not want or are not able to act. This will save both of you time and unnecessary suffering.
Once you begin to realize your inner world is full of a kaleidoscope of parts, you can then take care of each part’s individual needs. You won’t see the erratic and often conflicting conversations you have with yourself as madness but an active and vibrant community of parts where each is vying for your best interests.
The ultimate goal is to create permanent healthy habits through deep understanding that prevent most problems from occurring in the first place. We want resilient strategies that are agile and can adapt quickly to the rapid pace of modern life and relationships. We want the quiet confidence that comes with knowing we have the wisdom, compassion, and perseverance to overcome regardless of what comes our way.
TYPE 1 – THE PERFECTIONIST
Also known as The Reformer. The principled, idealistic type. Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. They typically have problems with resentment and impatience. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. Can be morally heroic.
TYPE 2 – THE HELPER
Also known as The Caretaker. The caring, interpersonal type. Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.
TYPE 3 – THE ACHIEVER
The adaptable, success-oriented type. Threes are self-assured, attractive, and charming. Ambitious, competent, and energetic, they can also be status-conscious and highly driven for advancement. They are diplomatic and poised, but can also be overly concerned with their image and what others think of them. They typically have problems with work-a-holism and competitiveness. At their Best: self-accepting, authentic, everything they seem to be—role models who inspire others.
TYPE 4 – THE INDIVIDUALIST
The introspective, romantic type. Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.
TYPE 5 – THE INVESTIGATOR
The perceptive, cerebral type. Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism, and isolation. At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.
TYPE 6 – THE LOYALIST
The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent “troubleshooters,” they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.
TYPE 7 – THE ENTHUSIAST
The busy, productive type. Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.
TYPE 8 – THE CHALLENGER
The powerful, aggressive type. Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable. At their Best: self-mastering, they use their strength to improve others’ lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring.
TYPE 9 – THE PEACEMAKER
The easy-going, self-effacing type. Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually grounded, supportive, and often creative, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they can also tend to be complacent and emotionally distant, simplifying problems and ignoring anything upsetting. They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness. At their Best: indomitable and all-embracing, they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.
instincts
In my opinion what makes the Enneagram so robust and superior to other personality systems, are the variety and depth of the secondary features that undergird the main “number” or personality type. Here is a list of some of the secondary features for your own research: wings, levels of health, direction of disintegration, direction of integration, harmonics, instinctual/feeling/thinking centers, and instinctual variants.
Three of the secondary features to be explored will help form your S.T.A.R. insignia. These are the instinctual variants of sexual, social (aka one-to-one bonding) and self-preservation, direction of integration and disintegration, and wings.
Typically, of the three basic instincts two are strengths that might alternate given the context of a situation while the third is typically a blind spot. It is helpful if we think about the three instincts in terms of how developed and comfortable we are with each instinct. In reality each of us has all three to some degree. We all have a self-preservation instinct. That’s why we lock our doors at night or hold our child’s hand when walking across a busy street. In the same way we are all social creatures. We need each other to function most effectively. As we will see in a future chapter, those isolated from the herd do not fare well and on average die prematurely. Finally, we all have a need for one-to-one bonding. We want to have meaningful relationships with others that enrich our lives.
Beatrice Chestnut explains in her book The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge:
Grouped according to their centers, the personality types and the connecting lines between them draw the figure of the ancient mystical symbol that is the Enneagram diagram. Beyond the three centers and the nine types is a third level of depth that divides each of the nine Enneagram types into three distinct sub-personalities, or “subtypes,” based on the relative emphasis of three basic instincts. The resulting twenty-seven subtypes are unique personality types based on how each of the nine types are shaped by the three most central instinctual drives that we all share.
To get a better idea of how these instincts look in the wild let’s use a simple example of three friends at a party.
The first friend’s primary instinct is sexual/one-to-one bonding. When she arrives at the party she slowly mingles, getting a glass of wine and taking in the crowd. She may chat with friends or even strangers but she is more interested in having a personal experience with one other person or maybe a small group. Once she finds this person or persons she will most likely spend the majority of the evening in this conversation. She thrives on the energy created by deep connection to another person. This connection could be someone she knows well or a stranger.
The second friend has a high self-preservation instinct. He is on guard as soon as he walks in the door. Unlike his one-to-one friend his initial instinct, which he is most likely not even aware of, is scanning for situations that make him feel safe (e.g. friends he knows) and watching out for threats (e.g. obnoxious drunk guy). Outwardly he is calm and inwardly he may feel relaxed but he never stops scanning for potential danger. If anyone starts to get out of hand at the party he will be one of the first to notice.
The third friend has a high social instinct. She may be the life of the party or a social butterfly that flits about the room saying hello and making everyone feel welcome. She wants to connect with as many people as possible at the party and therefore cannot get too bogged down in a long conversation with one person. This is the friend that will want to go to the after party and drags her other self-pres. and sexual friends along with her.
direction of integration vs. disintegration
In a perfect world we all possess the best qualities of each other personality type. This full-spectrum awareness may or may not be achievable in reality but the Enneagram does make allowances for how our growth and regression can mimic qualities inherent in other types.
If you look closely at the Enneagram symbol you will notice there are two lines connecting each number to two other numbers. The line with the arrow pointing away from your primary number is called your Direction of Integration. The line with the arrow coming toward your number is called your Direction of Disintegration.
When moving in the Direction of Integration you take on the best qualities of that number. It takes intentional effort to move toward your area of growth and is a map for living The Good Life.
When moving in the Direction of Disintegration you take on the unhealthy attributes of how that number acts when under stress. It takes little to no effort to move in the direction of disintegration.
wings
You are not simply one pure “number” on the Enneagram. There are many influential secondary factors that color the expression of each person’s unique personality. One of those factors are what are known as wings. The Enneagram is illustrated as a circular figure. On the left and right side of each number are two additional numbers. For example, if you look at the diagram above the #9 has an #8 and #1 as its wings.
The wings compliment the primary personality but can also bring in a paradoxical element. The wings provide an explanation of our more nuanced qualities in different situations. For example, when a typically peaceful #9 finally gets fed up with being taken advantage of by their domineering romantic partner they can draw on their more aggressive #8 wing to confront their agitator. This contradictory style to their typical way of living is a healthy expression of anger which #9’s often eschew because it requires so much energy. Conversely, when called upon to complete a highly complex task at work laidback #9’s can turn on the perfectionistic proclivities of their #1 wing that draw on their penchant for order and precision.
As with most things in life there are very few rules when it comes to wings. One person may have an equal distribution of influence by each wing while another person may be dominantly one wing or another. Another person may not be able to access their less dominant wing unless they are in an altered state of consciousness that lessens their inhibitions (e.g. slightly intoxicated).
attachment
John Bowlby is the father of attachment theory. His study of infant’s “protest behavior” (e.g. screaming, crying, etc.) when separated from their “attachment figure” (e.g. parent or primary caregiver) was the basis for this field of study. Bowlby’s colleague Mary Ainsworth began systematically studying the parent-child bond that sparked a deeper understanding of the individual differences in how people attach to one another. Ainsworth created something called the Strange Situation Test. R. Chris Frayley writes in his research paper, A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research:
In the strange situation, 12-month-old infants and their parents are brought to the laboratory and, systematically, separated from and reunited with one another. In the strange situation, most children (i.e., about 60%) behave in the way implied by Bowlby’s “normative” theory. They become upset when the parent leaves the room, but, when he or she returns, they actively seek the parent and are easily comforted by him or her. Children who exhibit this pattern of behavior are often called SECURE.
Other children (about 20% or less) are ill-at-ease initially, and, upon separation, become extremely distressed. Importantly, when reunited with their parents, these children have a difficult time being soothed, and often exhibit conflicting behaviors that suggest they want to be comforted, but that they also want to “punish” the parent for leaving. These children are often called ANXIOUS.
The third pattern of attachment that Ainsworth and her colleagues documented is called AVOIDANT. Avoidant children (about 20%) don’t appear too distressed by the separation, and, upon reunion, actively avoid seeking contact with their parent, sometimes turning their attention to play objects on the laboratory floor.
One point to note about AVOIDANTLY attached children in the study. Sensors were attached to measure heart rate and other biometric data. The interesting discovery was that while outwardly they did not appear to be showing symptoms of anxiety due to the separation, internally they were having the same biological stress responses as the ANXIOUSLY attached children but weren’t showing it.
This is an important finding as it substantiates the idea that while ANXIOUSLY attached individuals protest and perseverate on relationships, AVOIDANTLY attached individuals suppress their true feelings. This disconnection between feeling and behavior creates a dissonance that often leaves the partners of AVOIDANTLY attached individuals in the dark about what is happening and why.
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Below are three paragraphs describing the three main types of adult attachment. As noted previously those three types are: secure, anxious and avoidant. When reading each paragraph think about how your current or past partners would describe you in the relationship. How would your mother and father describe you as a child? How would you friends rate your level of availability to them and your willingness to engage in personally meaningful conversations?
anxious
You are known for being very close with your romantic partners physically and emotionally. However, many times your partners find your behavior “clingy” or “needy”. One of your fears is that your partner does not want to be as close to you as you want to be to them. Due to this uncertainty about your relationships you spend a lot of time and emotional energy thinking about ways to head off potential problems. You are so tuned into your relationships you sometimes tend to be highly sensitive to your partner’s moods or behaviors. If they do not text you back within a relatively short period of time you begin to wonder what is wrong or what you may have done to upset them. This ruminating behavior can cause you to bombard the other person with texts demanding, “Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with?” These types of behaviors tend to push people away (especially avoidantly attached partners) when what you intend is to draw them closer. When someone shows you ongoing attention and respects your need for closeness you begin to relax and not worry so much about the state of the relationship.
avoidant
Your independence is your main priority whether it is a friendship, romantic relationship or professional affiliation. You desire to be close to others but being too close too often makes you uncomfortable. When you feel too much pressure for intimacy (physical or emotional) you often react by pushing other’s away and keeping others at arm’s length. In romantic relationships you don’t spend much time worrying about the relationship or being rejected. However, you are not a robot and desire deep connection with those you care about. The difficulty comes when you do not express your feelings in the moment when you feel the need to withdraw from others for your own benefit. This secret desire creates confusion with those closest to you as they feel they have done something to cause you to want to pull away. As a result, your partner’s often complain about you being emotionally distant.
secure
Deeply connected relationships come easily to securely attached individuals. They give of themselves freely without living in constant fear of being taken advantage of by those they care about or abandoned. When they are tired, hungry, angry, stressed or overwhelmed they have no problem sharing their feelings and asking for what they need. Securely attached individuals enjoy sharing the good times as well as the bad with their loved ones. They value being there for their partners in times of need and expect their partners to be there for them.
✳
Many clients return angry to their next session after learning about their attachment style and that of their partner. They lament, “If only we had known this information a year ago we could have saved ourselves a lot of unnecessary suffering and avoided so many problems in our relationship!” Truer words have never been spoken.
Understanding how we attach to others can change the entire conversation around relationships. However, attachment has a particular usefulness in terms of romantic relationships. How we attach to others is not good or bad. It is what it is – like the color of your eyes. In the same way we need to see our attachment style and therefore our needs around security, intimacy and availability as a fundamental part of who we are. Once we grasp this idea we can then begin to look at romantic relationships differently. We can ask the more intelligent question, “Can this other person I’m dating meet my needs?” This is in stark contrast to the more typical and often unspoken question we ask ourselves, “How can I become what this other person wants me to be?”
Once you determine your attachment style, and that of your partner if you are dating or married, you can begin putting the pieces of you self-discovery map together. Each of these points stacked one on top of the other build a sturdy foundation for understanding who you are. As you learn how your unconscious influences your behaviors, you can navigate life in a new, different, and better way.
internal family systems
Returning to the footstool analogy, the third leg represents Internal Family Systems (IFS). A later chapter will discuss IFS in more detail but for now here is a brief synopsis of the elements of multiplicity of the mind.
As poet Walt Whitman observed, “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.” The idea of one person having multiple internal structures can be traced back to ancient Greece when Plato described the soul (psyche) as having three distinct parts: Logos (rationality), Eros (erotic love) and Thymus (desire). Sigmund Freud believed our minds were constructed of an id, ego and superego. Many of Shakespeare’s characters like Hamlet and Macbeth would engage in arguments with different parts of themselves. Italian psychologist Roberto Assagioli developed an approach called psychosynthesis in which he describes “subpersonalities”. All of these dynamic approaches to understanding the mind are woven together with the same golden thread that we are not one monolithic personality. Rather we are made of many different ‘parts’ or subpersonalities.
One primary goal of IFS work is to help explore our vast array of parts as well as the Self. Once we, as an autonomous rational being, gain an understanding of our many different parts we can tend to them much like parents tend to their children. We can listen to each part with curiosity, care for each part with compassion and help each part face their fears with courage. We can help parts solve impossible problems through creative solutions. All of these actions bring a calm mood to the whole person that the True Self, as I refer to it, cares about each part and is in control. This benevolent leadership brings healing to the wounded parts and confidence to trust the True Self.
The Self is an essential essence or energy present in each of us. Christians might refer to this as the soul. Hindus call this force atman. Muslims call it rūh. It is distinct from parts and is intended to be the leader of all the parts. This universal guiding force expresses love to all parts through Self Energy. Self Energy is summarized in the 8 C’s of compassion, calm, curiosity, connected, clarity, creativity, confidence and courage. IFS calls the practice of extending Self Energy to your parts is called Self Leadership.
✳
I use the analogy of a footstool with clients because it is easy for me to draw and easy for clients to understand. But the reality is that the inner workings of our minds are more analogous to Big Ben, the clock tower in London, England, than a simple footstool.
The clock stands 316’ tall. On the outside is its enormous face that passersby gaze upwards to admire and check the time but behind the ornamental clock face are highly complex mechanisms. These gears and pulleys work in unison to keep the big hand in sync with the little hand and the bells chiming at just the right moment.
These systems are so finely tuned that when the time of the massive timepiece gets out of sync with Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) all the clock keeper must do to bring the time back into alignment is place a single penny or two on either side of the enormous 13’ pendulum. Not surprisingly your collection of internal subconscious systems, while vast and powerful like Big Ben, are also highly sensitive to slight changes in mood, biology, health, circumstances, news, the environment and countless other variables some of which are in your control and some not.
Just as tourists cannot see the internal mechanisms of Big Ben neither can you or anyone else see your own unconscious systems at work . . . that is until you expend a little effort to pay attention to them. Once you are aware that you have a unique personality that falls broadly into the nine categories of the Enneagram you can see how you are programmed by your biology to act and react in particular ways. You can predict those patterns and through greater awareness exert a positive influence that can bring about the desired changes and maturity you seek.
The same is true for your attachment system. Once you become aware that you inevitably attach to others in a predictable, yet unconscious, pattern you can begin to exert influence and dictate to others how your needs are important. If the other person cannot meet your needs this doesn’t mean they are a bad person. Neither does it mean you need to spend your precious time and energy trying to convince them to act in ways they do not want or are not able to act. This will save both of you time and unnecessary suffering.
Once you begin to realize your inner world is full of a kaleidoscope of parts, you can then take care of each part’s individual needs. You won’t see the erratic and often conflicting conversations you have with yourself as madness but an active and vibrant community of parts where each is vying for your best interests.
The ultimate goal is to create permanent healthy habits through deep understanding that prevent most problems from occurring in the first place. We want resilient strategies that are agile and can adapt quickly to the rapid pace of modern life and relationships. We want the quiet confidence that comes with knowing we have the wisdom, compassion, and perseverance to overcome regardless of what comes our way.