Obsessed with Outcomes

Here I am sitting on the third couch I have slept on in the last nine days. Technically there are only two couches as I have slept on the same one two different times. 

It has been more than a week since Snowpocalypse in Nashville and I still don’t have power. Thankfully my house was spared severe damage but the frigid cold, single digit temperatures have kept me on the move in search of hot food and a warm bed. Thankfully friends and family have been there in a big way.

This humbling experience has reminded me of how we often have little control over the outcome of a situation.

For a while now I have been thinking about how it is time for the mental health, psychology, and self-help industries to upgrade. It has been necessary for the mental health industry to focus on outcomes. This lent the field credibility and methods to research.

But today consumers are more savvy and getting smarter by the hour. Access to information was once a problem but not any more. The amount of knowledge available to heal ourselves, to have better marriages, and be a better parent is staggering.  

It is understandable how someone who is in pain could easily get seduced by a well crafted book with an alluring cover and clever title. It’s made even more tantalizing if it is promoted by someone we trust and respect. So we stop whatever personal work we have been doing and switch to this fresh, new idea. However, when this new idea fails to transform what do we do? We switch again and move onto the next big idea that promises to rescue us from our misery. This is what I call The Switching Game and the more we switch, the more exhausted we become.

There are some outcomes you can depend on. The sun will rise. Gravity is real. However, when it comes to the mind and human emotions, these are much less predictable. Humans often act in irrational ways and sometimes even against their best interests. These are the domains of mental health, psychology, and self-help.

The Switching Game is ultimately a trap and it's not because the information we are consuming is ineffective. The Gottman’s do fantastic work. Esther Perel’s work is deep and grounded. Brene Brown has done life-changing research. The material is not the problem. It’s the hyperfocused obsession that demands immediate outcomes.

So, what can we do? The answer is stunningly simple: Do the work of personal growth, maturity, mental health, and healing and let the work itself be the focus and reward not the outcomes. If and when an outcome happens, acknowledge it with gratitude then get back to doing your personal work.

It’s time for mental health and wellness to upgrade to focus on what you do have control over: effort. Choose whatever system you want then commit to stop measuring your progress by outcomes because they are so often out of your reach. For example, if you want a better marriage, you’re only 50% of the equation. 

Focus on doing the work day in and day out and you’ll be less exhausted. Once you do your personal work, you can go about your day with a sense of accomplishment whether you get your desired outcome or not. If you want to switch around what you’re doing because your current routine has gotten stale, great! Switch for the joy of the work, not chasing the moving goal posts of outcomes.