FUNDAMENTALS OF CONNECTION
In couples work, the most important task is to build a strong connection before trying to solve the relationship problems. Without connection, misunderstandings happen regularly and harmful interactions far outweigh those that are healing.
The 10 Fundamentals for Building Connection below will be the focus of the work using each principle as a guide for how to get connected or when disconnection happens, get reconnected.
In relationships, love is that wonderful experience of merging with another person. Respect is valuing the other person’s independence. You need both love and respect to have a strong relationship. If you don’t have love and respect, you don’t have a relationship.
1) Connection happens when there is intentional, continual, and mutual cultivation of compassion, curiosity, courage, and respect in a relationship.
2) You should always have an agenda for connection. You should never allow yourself to be emotionally bullied or physically abused.
3) Every interaction you have with your partner will either be healing or harming. By your thoughts, words, and actions, you tip the scale one way or the other.
4) When you disconnect from your partner, your body will react first. You must train yourself to stop and recognize this change and name it to yourself and your partner.
After sharing your experience of the disconnection, invite your partner to share their experience of the moment. This step often takes tremendous effort by both people to resist old negative patterns of relating and be vulnerable with how you are feeling in the moment.
5) While reconnecting as soon after a disconnection is optimal most of the time, it isn’t always the best option. Sometimes it is wiser to give yourself time to process an experience before responding. Pausing for several hours allows for different perspectives to emerge and emotions to calm.
6) When it comes to solving your relationship problems, you must earn the right to work on your problems by first learning how to stay connected. You must prioritize connection over solving problems. Connection is not what solves your problems. It is what makes solving your problems finally possible.
7) Connection should not be the sole responsibility of one person in the relationship.
8) Using your partner’s disconnection as a weapon against them to shame and blame them to do what you want is wrong and will cause damage
9) Learn the difference between unhealthy disconnection and healthy disengagement. Learn how to ask for healthy disengagement when you need space. Learn how to give your partner space when they need healthy disengagement.
10) Connection In Absentia - Love your partner well when you are apart. Send loving texts, think good thoughts about them, and talk about them fondly to others.