Deciding - Are you in or out?

When I introduce the concept of Deciding to couples in crisis, they often make a quiet sound of recognition like "Oh. Yeah." It's as if I named something they already knew but had never said out loud.

Because here's the truth — most couples in crisis have never actually asked themselves the most fundamental questions:

Am I in or out?

Are you choosing this person and this relationship — or are you staying out of fear, obligation, or habit? Or are you genuinely not sure?

There is a second, equally important, question which is:

What do I actually want?

Less fighting and better communication are worthy goals but they are symptoms of a deeper problem. What do you want this relationship to be? This is a different orientation than complaining about what you don’t want.

Here's what I've discovered after decades of doing this work:

When couples finally slow down enough to answer these questions honestly, they almost always want the same thing. Not identical things — but the same thing expressed differently, shaped by different temperaments and different histories.

These are scary questions to ask because there are no easy answers. But these are the first steps in the journey. Each question serves as a huge building block. Hearing your partner say, “I choose you and I want to work on our relationship” is a profound experience that deepens love. 

Next week we go into Stage Two — Safe. And I'll introduce you to the concept that changes everything about how couples communicate.

Reb Buxton, M.A., O.S.B. works with Couples in Crisis and individual work through the Quiet Strength framework. All sessions are virtual.

Book a session: rebbuxton.com