Working On Your Problems Too Soon Is A Problem
For decades I've worked with couples in crisis. In that time I've witnessed what works and what doesn't. One mistake a lot of couples make is trying to solve their problems without first building the proper foundation. Most couples are not aware this foundation exists, much less how to build it.
This may sound counterintuitive, but couples must earn the right to work on their problems — they can't start there. That is what the Couples in Crisis framework helps them do and it is simple to understand:
The four stages are: Deciding. Safety. Connection. Solving.
First, a couple must make a conscious decision whether they want to work on the relationship or not. Not knowing if they want to be in the relationship is also a valid place for either person to be. It just needs to be named.
Second, a couple must continually practice being a safe person for each other. This is where most couples get stuck.
Third, after deciding and being safe, a couple gets to work on connection. This is the fun part!
Fourth, once a couple has successfully made it through the first three stages they have earned the right to work on their problems.
Let me be clear — this isn't just theory. I've lived on both sides of this work. As a therapist, I've watched couples transform when they follow this process. As a man, I've experienced firsthand the pain of not trusting this process. I loved someone deeply, avoided the hard conversations because the good times were so good, and paid a real price for that avoidance. That experience hurt but it didn't break me — it made me a better guide for couples.
I am on a mission to help as many couples as possible love each other well. That's what this newsletter is about. Honest. Direct. One idea a week about what it actually takes to love someone — especially when it's hard.
Next we will unpack Deciding. I hope you'll stick around for it.
— Reb
Reb Buxton, M.A., O.S.B. specializes in Couples in Crisis and individual work through the Quiet Strength framework. All sessions are virtual so I can work with you anywhere.
Book a session: www.rebbuxton.com
